A post that has been in the making for quite some time. Far too long, truly. A post geared towards foreign women, maybe even especially American women, who come to Italy with all of their doe-in-the-headlights innocence and fresh-scrubbed milkmaid smiles, giggling at the Mediterranean men purring “Ciao bella” at them on the street. Or at the bar. Or at the gas station. Or at the bus stop. Or online. Or wherever. Hell–maybe they’re even yelling it from the entrance to the women’s bathroom at McDonald’s.
Suffice it to say, they’re everywhere. In waiting.
This will probably be long-winded and way too self-revelatory but frankly I don’t care anymore. Once you become a 35-year old divorceè raising three children under age five in a foreign country, “giving a shit” about a lot of things just doesn’t really exist anymore, outside of my family and close friends.
So before we begin this odyssey, let me provide a brief, 5-second soundtrack. Ready?
Play.
Yes. That, my friends, is widely known as the Price is Right “fail horn.” As in, EPIC FAIL. As in, you’re such an idiot you just guessed that electric toothbrush costs $90 when in fact it costs $9. Or, take poor Elisabeth here. Ok folks, this 2 min. clip is a metaphor for life, ready? Go.
Did you hear the epic fail horn? Did you hear Bob Barker correct himself when he was about to say “You didn’t win a DA….well, you get ONE DOLLAR.”
And then he goes, “I’m sick! That’s terrible!”
And please take note that only TWO products were over $9.50. All the rest were under. All poor Elisabeth had to do was choose the goddamn Garlique or the Absorbine Jr. or even the damn GERITOL, for Christ’s sake!
But noooo, she had to go for the fool’s gold and pick CALCIUM supplements. (Even though personally I think she should have just chosen the shimmering bronze powder guaranteed to “unleash your animal instincts.”)
Where am I going with this? Oh please, bear with me. It will all come full circle. I think.
*takes deep breath*
I am probably going to make some really broad and unfair generalizations. But hey, that’s life. I have had some anthropological experiences up to now in the Roman jungle, the results of which I believe make me qualified to accurately attest to the existence of a species known in the wild as the cazzaro romano.
How would you translate this, exactly? Roman bullshit artist? I think that’s my closest stab. And yes, before you ask–trust me. The Roman bullshit artist is a species unto itself.
I have a few personal examples but I won’t go into detail. However, I will say that both of the married cazzaro examples in which I was preyed upon were nearly identical in scope, format, and technique. KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS, ladies.
The cazzaro romano is looking for vulnerable but socially outgoing and friendly women who feel flattered by their unsolicited attention and affection. Once the compliments have worked their sleight-of-hand magic, and the poor girl has stars in her eyes (“he said I was BELLAAAAA…sigh…!!”) he can pretty easily deceive, because the woman is, for whatever reason, in a vulnerable enough position to believe nearly anything he says and/or overlook any ridiculousness he throws out there (ie, any shit shoveled). He tells blatant and outright lies without blinking an eye, in order to catch his prey. If this sounds a lot like the definition of a sociopath, you would be right. Trust me. I read this book a couple years back and was convinced it could be any of the cazzari I’ve met. I’m sure there are a wide variation among the species, but today I will be focusing on the MARRIED CAZZARO.
This is where I get into controversial territory. But the amount of shit I give about this is below zero at this point, simply because I know I’m not the only one who has come dangerously close to getting snared into the traps set by these jackasses.
Take an American woman–outgoing, smiley, trusting–and place her in the vicinity of an Italian man around her age who’s unhappily married but enjoys the security and social status bestowed by marriage. This may be an extension of the mamma effect, only now instead of living at mamma’s house, he’s conveniently replaced her with a wife, and possibly someone to raise his kids, present or future as the case may be. Add in sociopathic tendencies, especially agility for pathologically lying, and you’ll be on your way.
I don’t think that married men prey on women here more than in any other place I know; however, I do think there is one distinction in Italy as compared to my experience in the US: here in Italy, it seems to be widely accepted that married men take lovers and cheat on their wives.
I’m just putting that out there. I call it like I see it. I’ve never talked about this on my blog, but frankly now that I’m single again and truly for the first time ever in Italy (I met my ex-husband at age 24 on the first day I arrived in Rome 11 years ago), I’m intrigued by it and I’ve been preyed on now by more than one married man. Have not had an affair, in case you’re wondering. Ick. That would be gross. Plus my bullshit meter is still just barely enough in tact to unmask the hooded villian before he makes his move. But, let me tell you, they’re really good at pretending they aren’t attached, or, if they have the audacity to admit they are, or rather the inability to hide it, they’re also quite skilled at making it sound like they’re on the verge of a collapsing marriage, blah blah blah. They do the whole “feel sorry for me” thing really, really well. Sensitive, social worker-types like me are the perfect foil for the drooling wolves in sheep’s clothing.
I have no doubt this happens in the States to women as well. But what I wonder is: why is it that it seems so much more commonplace and accepted here? Why is it that I have more than one couple of acquaintances here whom everyone in the circle of friends knew that the man, or both, were cheating? It becomes easy dinner conversation when the couple isn’t around, and yet, the couples nearly never break up. There’s a fairly common phenomenon here known informally as “separati dentro casa” (separated in the home) in which they basically agree to have separate lives but still stay married and live together, especially when kids are involved. What is this?
The cazzaro romano can sometimes be harmless and fun, but the married version is really good at his game. He has a lot of practice and always, always has a *just believable enough* response to any question. He can make up a lie in the blink of an eye and can really take advantage of a vulnerable woman.
I have no moral judgement against these guys. There are certainly plenty of unhappy women out there who are willing to have an affair, and that’s their business. Hell, there are women out there who fall for murderers in prison. Not my business. My only point here is that, foreign women coming abroad are by nature vulnerable, to a certain extent. I see it a lot with newly arrived (and especially younger) expats. They’ll give the time of day to any man who compliments them on the street. They strike up conversations feeling so flattered that a man says they’re beautiful. I know, because this was basically me before I got all cynical and bitter (like a few hours ago) and decided enough is enough.
Why do Italian men looking for an affair strike up conversations with foreign women?
Because the Italian women WON’T LOOK AT THEM. Because they KNOW THE GAME.
I don’t really have much else to offer here. This was more of a diatribe than any kind of helpful field guide. What I really need is an Italian woman to write a post on this phenomenon. What I really need is an Italian woman to write a guide to the Italian cazzaro and how to avoid him, for foreign women.
Frankly, I for one have come to the sad conclusion that my prospects for a normal dating life and/or healthy relationship here in Rome post-divorce are pretty slim to none. There’s still a taboo against divorced and separated women to a certain extent, plus there’s the whole MILF thing which basically makes me want to retch. And then, the simple fact of having three (wow, count ‘em! THREE!!!!) kids makes you a sort of social freak. (TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. I live in a country with a NEGATIVE BIRTHRATE. The question I get asked most often when I’m out with my kids is always, “Are they ALL yours?” I still haven’t come up with a decent, bitchy-enough response to this question, simply because when the people ask it, they’re totally sincere. Like, they simply just CAN’T BELIEVE one woman could actually give birth to and then try to attempt to raise three kids. In fact the usual response back to me when I say “Yes, all three,” is this, swear to God: “Che corraggio!” which means, “You’re so brave!”)
Sigh. End of rant. I will now go back to hiding under a rock, of course bringing my fully-charged iPod with me so that I can listen to the epic fail horn on repeat, for all eternity.
Women, we need to write a book about our stories with Italian boys. I hardly have any experience, given that I met my future husband on day one and we were together for 10 years. So basically my dating life begins now, at 35, a prospect which, frankly, makes my stomach churn.
You know what book I really need to read, folks? This one. I think Andrea and I have had a long-overdue coffee coming for a while now.
Solidarity, ladies! Strength in numbers!
And, oh yeah, the coming full circle with the pricing games part of this post? Because you know I aim to please. You see, it’s like this: the cazzaro romano is very charming, and very charismatic, and has hypnotic eyes that lure you into a false sense of security. Just like that sign that flashes out quickly $10,000 (TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!) and then all of a sudden goes down to a mere dollar, (as in: WTF just happened there? but you’re already hooked in now) with the promise that if you can only guess what goddamn stupid OTC pharmacy product is less than $9.50, then you’ll really, truly win the TEN–THOUSAND–DOLLARS!!!!!!! So you sit there, and you listen to all the b.s. descriptions of the product (cazzaro tells you all about himself and how you and he are made for each other, etc.). The Geritol is insurance that you’ll live together until old age, nice and strong with your Citracal-reinforced bones. But then, what? What’s that, you say? The Citracal costs more than $9.50? And someone already put a ring on it? Holy fuc— but, but…and it was all just an illusion. The Geritol, the Citracal, even the pills to give you all the health benefits of garlic without the inevitable stink. All of it, vanishing away in a sparkling cloud of the “costs more than $9.50″ Physician’s Formula shimmering and bronzing powder that was really supposed to unleash your animal instinct.
AND THERE’S THE RUB.
Yep. There’s Bob Barker, there’s the fail horn, there’s the revelation that, holy shite, this dude isn’t worth TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! Oh no, folks! This dude is trolling on women who giggle and smile and fall prey to his charms and… [cue epic fail horn] you didn’t even win a DA…
Well, you get ONE DOLLAR.
Thanks for playing! You’re in the frickin’ Euro Zone here! That shit isn’t even worth 85 euro cents, for the love of God!
And that, my friends, is when I will wholeheartedly agree with our good ol’ Bob cazzaro Barker.
I’m sick!
That’s terrible!
I really want to hope to end all hope that Elisabeth took that damn dollar and went and bought herself something nice. Maybe like a small cup of Dunkin’ Donuts regular coffee or something.
With my roughly 82 euro cents, I intend to treat myself to a nice, dark, bitter espresso. The bitterer (yes, it is a word, because I say so), the better.
(Muuuuhahahaha) Evil laughter shall be my constant companion – starting – NOW!
That is all.
As always, hilarious and right on the money! I was mostly single for my first four years in Rome so I have a good many chapters to add if that book ever gets written!
I have to blow off some steam before I write that book. But I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who has struggled with the dating scene here.
Warning generalizations alert.
Maybe it’s because of my Caribbean upbringing and living in L.A. for 10 years but I don’t think Italians are less moral than us Americans. I know you didn’t say that, but I’ve met so many American women who talk smack about Italians. And men are not the only ones cheating here. Women cheat too. Including expat women.
We are very hypocritical. We pretend that we don’t have affairs or that FAMILY FIRST is what we are all about. Meanwhile, the divorce rate is through the roof and the number of dysfunctional families, drug/alcohol abuse, spousal abuse, etc. is sky high in the States. Look at the Clinton and Edwards marriages vs. the Hollande relationship. The latter would NEVER fly in the States. Yet, which relationship was honest with the public?
Things are more open here and in the Caribbean. Marriage is less about romantic fairy tales or getting that ring! In the States we care about the finish line and winning. This is what causes a couple with a combined income of 45k to spend 20k on “their special day.”
It’s interesting that you feel being divorced here is a stigma, while in the States the fact that I was never married makes me the freak. As in, “so no man wanted to put a ring on it? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Yes, some young expat women need to be on guard, but a woman who would fall for/date a married Italian man would fall for one in the States. We must have ownership over our choices. We are not weak little lambs while the big bad Italian men take advantage of us. Life is not freaking “Under The Tuscan Sun”. I’ve spoken to too many otherwise intelligent women in their 40s (!!!) who came to Italy, not for art, not for food/wine, quality of life, etc. etc. but to meet a gorgeous Italian man and fall in love. You can guess what happened.
Have most of my friends met amazing men here, of course. But they didn’t come to Italy looking for them.
As for the reason why couples tend to not break up here (and in most other countries in the world) at the same rate compared to America isn’t just because it’s royal pain in the ass to get divorced, but because the concept of family, marriage, fidelity, etc. etc. is completely different.
If you seriously believe that your chance for a real/healthy relationship post-divorce is slim to none, that is what’s going to happen. This belief will inform all your choices. You will date the wrong guys because you have already given up on meeting a quality guy. These men will disappoint you and you will say to your friends, “see, all men are jerks”. It’s vicious cycle and I saw a lot of it in L.A.
Dang, this is a long ass reply (sorry!!) but I am fascinated by this topic.
Yes my dear, I have effectively given up on meeting a quality guy, at least for the time being, after the negative experiences I have had. I won’t ever say to my friends “all men are jerks” because I don’t believe that and that’s not my personality. I’m not a cynical man hater and never will be, regardless of what happens in my personal life. This article wasn’t meant as a diatribe against Italian men. It was a diatribe against the Italian men that I’ve personally had experiences with since my divorce. Whether I’m actively choosing them or they are seeking me out, I don’t know, but the fact remains that I personally have not had good luck because I personally do not want to be involved with a man who is married. Not everyone feels that way and there’s room for everyone. I don’t think it’s hypocrisy. I think it’s a cultural difference and a matter of preference. I would PREFER that a man be HONEST with me if he is married so that I can CHOOSE to not be led to get to know him under FALSE PRETENSES that I don’t personally agree with. I came here to learn Italian and the Italian culture. I now speak Italian fluently and interpret Italian culture as I see it and live it daily. I chose to live in this country, I’m happy to be here. However I do have issues with men who are dishonest, and my personal experience has been that in my direct contact with Roman men, speaking in their native language, they have been utterly dishonest in many contexts. Whether this is because I am overly gullible (I am) overly desperate (I have been and hope to be leaving that stage) or simply too willing to meet people, I don’t know.
I don’t want to say that “you’ll meet someone when you least expect it” or something cliche like that, even though I believe it’s probably true, because you seem awesome and everything…but I know no one wants to hear that when their everyday experience makes that seem like BS. So see how I’m cleverly saying it anyway without really saying it? But I get that this is not the point of your post.
I’m intrigued by this, and don’t have any real experience with it myself. I agree that this kind of lying/deception can happen to anyone anywhere, but I also sense that in Italy there is an attitude that “this is just the way it is”…not out of line with what I’ve found to be the Italian attitude for a lot of things. So this is interesting. It’s not unique to Italy, but this kind of behavior from a guy is considered pretty scandalous in the US and I’m getting the impression that it’s not viewed the same way there. Isn’t there some website in the US where women can write ‘reviews’ of ex-boyfriends so they are publicly outed as being cads or jerks? I’m not crazy about that idea. Maybe the American and Italian attitudes are on the two extremes?
It’s totally true though! It’s always when you’re not looking! I know that rationally. In fact my experiences now in this crazy post-divorce context I find myself in, have taught me just that. So I’m going to just chill. I got this angst off my chest and now I can sit back and just enjoy my life without the stresses of dating or a man. Life always seems to bring us exactly what we need at just the right moment, so I have no doubt it will be the case for me in my singledom (singlehood?) as well!
It would be hilarious and awesome to have a website to review jerks. Or at least a website where women who were hit on by married men could bust them out. I’m sure though, being that we’re in Italy, there would be three bazillion different legal barriers to doing that and you’d probably end up getting sued. But boy oh boy let me tell you… I don’t consider myself a catty or vindictive person, but when a guy blatantly hits on you and then you see his wedding picture online… besides just being a dumbass, because, really? In today’s day and age? But besides that, it’s like, man, your wife should know what you’re up to. But hell. Not my job. What goes around comes around, eventually it’ll come around… I think. Not to worry!
Oh Shelley, you are so right about this as ever…Stereotypes abound but at their root is always a grain of truth sadly . A very intelligent, well travelled Italian banker said to me when questioned about the dubious morality of blatantly cheating on his wife “Well, I am a man”… As if this fact explained and excused any standard of indulgent morally questionable behaviour – the ultimate get out clause.
Did you know that Italian women spend more per capita on sexy underwear than any other country in the world? They will go to great lengths to keep their men interested always aware of the threat of other women – how exhausting! Ask not the question why Italian men lie, cheat and pursue foreign women in the sure knowledge that they are better looking/dressed/sexier than other men but with the cultural confidence of adored mothers/simpering tolerant wives and girlfriends, why the hell not?…Duh uh.
In England and America the discovery of an affair is usually a deal breaker – a hanging offence, not here, it is brushed under the carpet, tolerated, naughty boys will be naughty boys. Until and unless Italian women show these men the door and mean it things will not change. On the plus side this society works in much better favour of the children, forgiving and forgetting means they don’t get uprooted and move house, lose vital grandparent/extended family support network and this is a very big plus.
Shelley hang in there, you are right to be feeling the way you do, a bright, good looking girl hates to have her intelligence insulted with obvious lies, but you will feel different over
time trust me do not imagine the average guy you next meet has any capacity to behave
beyond the seven year old that he remains and you can only be pleasantly surprised!!
Buona fortuna Bella!
L
Thank you for the kind words and for the insightful comments. I always try hard to be an “observer” of this foreign culture that I embraced, but sometimes it gets the best of me. This is one of those topics. There are a few that I just won’t ever “get.” Another one is the cheating on tests thing. It’s totally accepted here to cheat on tests, like it’s an Olympic sport. Such a different mentality culturally from how I was raised in the States, where in most academic settings if you get caught cheating, game over.
In any case, I wrote this post as kind of a bitch/vent session. I am actually a really positive person and I am not cynical about love or about meeting someone special. However, what I have realized is that I can no longer try to look for it or seek it out, because unfortunately this is the context I’m looking in, and so it’s just to prevalent. I figure I’ll leave the heavy lifting on this one up to the ol’ universe, and see what turns up, when the time and place are right.
I am an Italian woman and I live in LA now, have done so for the past 17 years, married to an American. Reverse situation here. Reading your post, I could see the culture clash a mile away, the same culture clash that I have at times experienced with my husband.
Italians, men and women, come with an inbuilt flirting gene which we are able to turn on and off at will, mostly never expecting absolutely anything in return. Women grow up being complimented by random strangers every step of the way. Recently, in Venice, a worker in the street whispered, as I walked by “Sei bellissima. Ti fermi un attimo?”. You know what I am talking about. I walked on with nary a glance, he didn’t really expect me to stop but took his chances. He was young and cute and maybe a doe eyed American girl would have smiled and, who knows, even stopped and exchanged numbers. We attach no meaning to it, nor to the married man’s wildly flirting over dinner.
I have found American culture to be a bit too prudish at times – we take ourselves a lot less seriously, in matters of love and sex too. You are right when you talk about the “separati in casa” situation but I believe it happens here and it’s just not talked about. I am not condoning it – myself, I would rather have things in the open and move on. But I do think a lot of my American girlfriends still have expectations of marriage and children and a house while my Italian girlfriends less so. You have lived in Italy long enough to know there is no translation for the word “date”. We don’t date. We go about our business and meet people, mostly through other people, and sometimes relationships develop. Interntet dating is finding its widening place in Italy too but I am not sure it’s reaching the level of obsession it has over here.
I hear friends complaining about not finding men of quality: in LA, in Italy, in London, in S. Africa. It’s a refrain. I personally believe it’s about reframing expecations or, rather, letting go of them. Don’t be disheartened. There are a lot of good men out there. And a lot of assholes, cheating or otherwise. The good ones will take you at face value and will embrace the three children too (especially if they are not the ones shelling out for child support!).
Sorry, am rambling on but I just wanted to chime in as I felt I had a unique perspective, inhabiting both cultures (like you). Good luck! And lovely blog.
For ages foreign women have been flocking to the Eternal City to hook up with local men.
A foreign woman’s life in Rome is a never-ending roller coaster of parties, trips to the beach,…
Well, if you have the time, please observe foreign men in Rome -Western tourists, exchange students as well as immigrants who try to make a living in Italy.
Whereas a foreign woman in Italy meets Italians by the dozen even before its lunchtime, a foreign man, even after months, will not know a single Italian -man or woman.
Foreign men are locked out by local males. Italian women completely ignore foreign men. “Non si fa.” Any man who has spent some time in Rome knows (though not always acknowledges) this.
Expand your “anthropological experience”. E.g. observe a poor Pakistani. Notice how he’s on his own. Day and night. Let me tell you: to a foreign man Italy is 24/7 loneliness.
So, when women complain when they get what they want, I just say, being (a bit too) bold: Make. A. River. Cry.