You know how people say that dumb quote, “I wish I had thought of that!” I mean, dumb because it’s just sort of banal. Like, der. Of course you wish. Because if you had thought of Post-it notes you wouldn’t be standing here saying you wish you had thought of it. I dunno. It’s sort of a “who’s on first” type of thing for me. I mean, how long can you really take it? It’s like verbal Chinese water torture.
Here’s the thing. One day I’m going to be in a store, and I just know I’m going to see this thing that I have in my mind, and I won’t be able to say “I wish I had thought of that,” because you see, I ALREADY HAVE. I’ve thought of it not once, not twice, not even three times a lady. (MUUUHAHAHAHA betcha can’t get that one out of your head now, for like, ever. You can thank me later.)
Oh really? You think you can escape the sheer euphoria and rapture that this ballad can produce? Especially when accompanied by silver spangles and a show hosted by a man named Burt Sugarman? Oh no you don’t! Get back here, you! Click the little triangle, go on. You know you want to.
Sorry. I do that sometimes. It’s all in good fun. Lionel Richie has absolutely nothing to do with coffee. But I do loveaaaohawove you. I do, I do!
Ok, I’m just going to lay it all on the line here, folks. I need a Bialetti Moka Alarm.
Raise your hand if you get this. I know Sara does, because she and I have talked about it before if I’m not mistaken. We’ve had entire conversations about it. I’m pretty sure back in 2006 she even had a blog post on it.
For those of you who don’t know what I am alluding to, I’ll throw you a bone. The Bialetti Moka, as you may or may not know, is our traditional stovetop coffee maker here in Italy. If you’re like me, you may have thought it was just for decoration, but no. They actually use it. Like, all the time. It’s truly a staple of the Italian household.
Now. I adore my morning Moka as much as the next gal. But my life is a shit show. That means, I don’t have time to watch paint dry on my walls nor watch coffee slowly rise and percolate to the upper chamber of my Moka (wow that sounds strangely erotic. Let’s not follow that any further. I am still boyfriendless.)
The Moka is relatively silent when it finishes. It just makes a sort of low sputtering noise. But if you stray too far from the general vicinity of the Moka, trust me: you’re not going to hear the spittle to alert you that your coffee is ready.
Please see Exhibit 1:
Anyone who has ever spent any reasonable amount of time with a Moka knows that this is going to happen sooner or later. The overflow. The God-awful spitting and sputtering coffee all over your stovetop overflow. GAH!
I hate the overflow. I really do. It makes my coffee burnt, for one (like how I slyly shrug off any responsibility there?), it makes a holy mess, for two, and, it’s just plain frickin’ annoying.
That’s why I need the Bialetti Moka Alarm. You attach it to the top of the thing, and it whistles like a tea kettle when the coffee is ready. This is what I need.
I mean, people, let’s be honest here. They (a.k.a. “the powers that be”) invented an anti-splutter valve, right? And yet, yet! Think about the sheer USELESSNESS of said device. There’s a frickin’ TOP on the Moka. I don’t know about y’all, but as far as I’m concerned, the top pretty much protects me from any wanton splutters.
Exhibit Two, Useless Coffee Devices:
EXCEPT WHEN I FORGET TO CHECK MY COFFEE.
Therein lies the proverbial rub.
Hence, the alarm.
Discuss. Plan. Create. I will be your first customer.