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Would You Like to Have Them Like This?

16 May

Ok, folks. Here we go. I don’t know what’s going to be more graphic about this post. The fact that I actually have to type the word “pantiliner” (cringe) or the fact that I have to subject you to a pair of boobies that are inflated to bursting capacity with the excruciatingly awful headline: “Would you like to have them like this? I’ll pay for them!”

Lord, have mercy on my soul.

Salvaslip

This is NOT what I wanted to see as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes this morning and opened this brand new box of feminine end-of-monthly-cycle (also known in Italy mysteriously as “my things” – le mie cose) protection product.

Now, this brings to mind how I could probably write an entire post questioning the etymology of why menstruation in Italian is referred to as “my things” and how it’s possible that a woman can simply say Mi sono arrivate as in, “They’ve come to me” and that is like some weird code phrase that really means “I have my period.” However, I will leave that for another titillating future adventure. Because, no. Today I really want to ask my faithful public how it is possible that Velluto Salvaslip (Velvet? Really? Who was the marketing genius that green-lighted that brand name, BTW?) is running a sweepstakes in which the lucky winner will receive €6,000 for their “new look” a.k.a. as listed in the ad “breasts – butt – nose – lips – tummy”

HOLY EFFING SHIT, people. I mean, pardon my French, but are you effing kidding me? Wow. I didn’t know that we had reached this level of terrifying superficiality around here. No, seriously. The blood is running cold in my veins.

“Just send in 3 barcodes to participate in the drawing.*”

*see complete rules at www. sweetwipes. com

OHMYGOD. What’s worse? The fact that I have to read through rules about a plastic surgery sweepstakes? Or the gag factor inherent in the fact that there’s a website out there called SWEET WIPES DOT COM?

Oh Mary mother of God, pray for our sins.

I’ll try to type in sweetwipes.com without breaking into a fit of uncontrollable creepy laughter. Ok…I’m going in. Cover me.

NOOOOOO!

No.

No, no, a million times NO! Why didja have to go and show a half nekkid buxom woman with yellow dotted lines drawn on her plastically modified body?

banner_conc2012

“Would you like to have a body like this? I’ll pay for it!”

Oh, look! On the website they helpfully add that you could also have your hips or eyes “remodeled.”

In the fine print it says if you don’t opt for the plastic surgery you could use the €6,000 in “beauty treatments.” Whatever that might mean. Frankly I don’t have the patience or the inclination to read through the entire downloadable PDF file of contest rules and regulations.

Let me just leave you with this, incidentally, that I found while browsing vintage ads today, which happens to be one of my many Internet time-wasters hobbies. (I graduated with a degree in advertising. Yes, they issue those.) Lest we forget that the stick-thin body wasn’t always the ideal of beauty, check out this post that reveals how vintage ads encouraged weight gain and curvy figures.

gain-weight-elvgren-a

But: sweet wipes.

Seriously, folks. You think you’ve seen it all, and then you get a website called sweetwipes.com.

Roman-style Security System

16 May

Walking by an apartment building around the corner from my house this morning, I see this sign generated in Word, printed out and taped to the front entry gate:

IMG_20130516_091941

Note – Don’t close. Door broken.

Are you so loving this?

Why didn’t they just write: “Dear Criminals: Our building’s front door is broken, and for unknown reasons we aren’t getting it fixed, at least not anytime soon, so instead we’ve printed out this sign instructing all residents to kindly leave the door open for you. You’re welcome.”

Oh, sigh. Rome, you’re so silly sometimes.

Find What You Want Here

12 Apr

(Click through if you don’t see the image.)

IMG_20130412_093759

So basically, more or less what you’re telling me here is that I can find whatever I want, more or less, here?

Um, ok. I think.

But, hey you, marketing genius with chalk in hand? “Find less here” isn’t exactly aiming high. Kind of reminds me of this place, which is still around, in case y’all are wondering. So, come to think of it, I guess sometimes aiming for average or “just OK” can actually be a success story. But shooting for giving less than the others?

Despite the A+ for honesty, yeah–not so sure you want to keep that strategy going for much longer. Just IMHO.

Buying a Used Car in Rome

8 Apr
Hmm, do you think that l should be concerned about that liquid seeping out onto the ground?

Hmm, do you think that l should be concerned about that liquid seeping out onto the ground?

Subtitled: The Worst Investment I Ever Made, Quite Possibly in My Entire Life

And not just because it was a used car, although in retrospect I suppose in the short-run I would have paid less if I had bought a new car on an installment plan. But that would have been nearly impossible for me, seeing as how I’m a divorced single mom and my busta paga (pay stub) most likely wouldn’t have ever shown the requisite amount for getting a car loan. Nor would I want a car loan in Italy. I’d be afraid to take on a car loan in the States, why would I risk something like that in the bureaucratic black hole known as Italy?

I’m writing this not to complain, but as a helpful cheat sheet for anyone who might in the future happen to Google “buying a used car in Rome.” Maybe I can help you get a clearer picture of the expenses you’re going to come up against. I wish I had known then what I know now, and thought more about the overall costs of keeping and maintaining a car here in Rome. Had I done a bit more research, I’d like to think I would have decided against buying a car in favor of opting for a taxi when a car ride was essential.

Because, in the end, the only time a car for me in Rome is really essential is when I have to take my kiddos to the doctor (unfortunately, although not far from home, still not within walking distance, especially with a sick kid) or when I go out late at night, not for safety’s sake but more for convenience’s sake, because public transport in Rome is really slow after midnight. Had I calculated potential taxi spending for these occasions, on an annual basis, I’m 99.9% sure I never could have racked up the total amount I spent on keeping a used car in this city.

You may say, “Why not consider Carsharing?” Well, I did, and being that I don’t live conveniently near any of the parking lots (they’re mainly for people who live close to or in the center), it wouldn’t have been worth it over a taxi. I signed up for it but never ended up paying the annual fee.

So, when I got the opportunity to buy a used Opel Corsa from a fellow American expat who was only the second owner, and who wanted to get rid of it quick due to moving back to the States, I jumped at the chance. It cost €1700 and checked out mechanically. It had been garaged for most of its life due to being property left to an ex-wife in a divorce, and the expat lawyer I ended up buying it from had only purchased it to have a car for her husband to drive her to the hospital in for giving birth. (!) So, it was in really good shape despite being 12 years old, and it was a Euro 4 which meant that I could drive it on all except the “eco Sundays” which require Euro 5 or 6. (These ratings refer to European emission standards.)

Before you buy a used car in Rome, consider the following:

1) Transfer costs (Passaggio di proprietà) (Mine = €480 one-time fee)
When I bought this car, the owner and I went through an agency to process the title and registration transfer. This is because, if you attempted to do it on your own at the DMV, I’m quite sure you’d never make it out alive. My transfer cost €424 in taxes and state costs, and €56 in agency fees. Costs vary by car.

2) Insurance (Assicurazione RC Auto) (Mine = €956/year paid in one lump sum)
If you’ve never been an insured driver in Italy, you’re basically totally screwed. They use a rating system and even if you’ve been driving since age 16 everywhere else in the world and an insured driver the whole time, it doesn’t matter, because in Italy they have no record of your good driving history. Therefore you start from scratch, in “Class 14″ (they’re called classe di merito) which is the highest insurance risk and therefore the most expensive. The average quote for annual insurance for my crappy ass car in Classe Quattordici was around €1750 (that’s nearly $2,300 or about $190 per month).
If you’re an expat, you might qualify for Clements Worldwide, which is luckily where I ended up getting my car insurance. It averaged out to about €80 a month but they required the annual payment all at once.

3) Annual vehicle tax (Bollo auto) (Mine = €156.20/year)
This tax is paid annually and calculated based on your car’s emissions rating (Euro I, II, III, etc.). I need to get my car junked now because it’s broken down beyond repair and would cost more than €1,000 to get repaired, only probably to end up breaking down again. Apparently it WAS in great shape when I bought it, but then driving it created a problem. (!!) So in order to junk my car, not only did my mechanic say it would cost roughly €100 for the junkyard service, but, he said, “You’re missing the proof of your vehicle tax being paid.” I’m thinking, great. I had no idea I had to pay this and nothing ever came to my address to tell me. So I go to the ACI (Automobile Club of Italy) and ask for a “visura dei bolli” which basically is them looking up in their computer if vehicle taxes have been paid for my car.

THREE YEARS HAVE GONE UNPAID.

In fact, when the car was sold to me, a whole year was already past due. So that fee from three years ago, I now owe, and it’s up to €191,57 due to the penalties assigned each year that went by, and possibly even 30% more coming up because after three years they send it to a collection agency.

The April 2011-April 2012 payment which I should have only technically owed €40 on since I only owned the car in Feb, Mar and April of 2012, but, hey thanks former owner for slapping me with those charges unbeknownst to me, is now up to €188,73.

And, the April 2012-April 2013 which I have to pay even though I haven’t even driven the car since last October when it broke down, is now €165,40.

If I manage to pay all of these charges by the end of this month in order to get the car junked, thank God I’ll avoid paying an additional €156,20 for this year through April 2014!

Yep, I about had a heart attack. €545,70 out of nowhere. That shit totally sucks. I was saving for my tattoo and a trip to Amsterdam to get it and now, effing back car taxes. Moral of the story: get a visura dei bolli before you buy a used car. All you have to do is go into an ACI and give the license plate number.

4) “Revision” exam (Revisione) (€45 at the DMV or €64,80 at an authorized mechanic/once after first 4 years for a new car, then once every 2 years)

If you’ve ever heard anyone talk about the “bollino blu,” it’s now part of the overall revision process. Basically every two years you have to take your car in for the revisione to have it checked for road safety and pollution output.

And, if you lose your documents, like I did, God forbid. Cost of replacement for the libretto di circolazione and certificato di proprietà (registration and title, respectively) is roughly €100. That’s because my used car had the “old” libretto which isn’t “duplicable” … forget about it.

And, if you accidentally drive on a “green Sunday” like I did (I know, my bad, but it can happen), you stand to get a ticket for about €45 if they stop you.

And, if you accidentally hit a parked car or any other kind of automobilistic mishap, which frankly is most likely going to happen sooner or later if you drive in Rome, whether you’re the best driver in the world or not, consider your insurance costs going up, or, paying out of pocket to the other car’s owner for body work, etc. I had to do that because I am a shitty parker, and it cost me €400 and that was even off the books at my friend’s friend’s body shop. CHE PALLE, BALLS BALLS BALLS.

Now, if that isn’t enough for annual expenses, and even if you never encounter any of the extra annoying expenses I did due to my own negligence, please consider the cost of fuel. I hardly ever drove anywhere, and ended up spending about €50 per month. That got me one full tank per month in an 8-gallon tank. Gas here is around $9 on average per gallon.

Maintenance. In one year I spent €50 for an oil change, €300 for service from a rip-off mechanic who did a bogus repair, and I also spent €100 when I finally took it to the dealership for a “diagnosis” in which they told me the repair costs would be in the thousands and frankly wasn’t even worth it (and I got a second opinion as well from a trusted mechanic friend of my ex-husband’s). So in maintenance I easily spent nearly €500, fuel costs probably ran about another €500 in the approximately 10 months of actual usage I got out of the car itself, add in a €10 car wash every couple of months, because frankly in Rome your car is going to get super dirty after like one day and shamefully dirty after only a month, and you’re easily at nearly €100 a month in fuel, yearly maintenance and repairs, and if you add in all those other expenses? Excuse me while I go retch.

Folks, in one year I spent an ungodly amount for a car that I barely used and that is going to cost me over €600 to junk. Perhaps my experience is unique. However my guess is that it is not.

This is one of those moments when I really wish that I could be happy about Rome’s public transport or live in a city like Amsterdam where everyone rides bikes. But just yesterday in this week’s copy of Internazionale (best magazine ever in Italy, I highly recommend it) the editor commented that in Rome there are 978 vehicles for every 1,000 inhabitants, and this includes newborns and over-85 year olds, and that Rome has 41.5 km of underground rail, compared to London’s 460 km, Paris’s 200 km, and even Milan’s 84 km in a city that’s 7 times smaller than Rome with half the population. I know what you’re thinking, oh but it’s impossible in Rome, too much archaeological stuff underground. St. Petersburg got around their problem by digging deeper. (Ok, so I’m not an archeologist, but come on.) Even Naples has 30 km of underground rail with a city 11 times smaller than Rome and 1 1/2 times fewer inhabitants.

I dunno, folks. If I could go back in time, I would never buy the car. I would spend for a taxi, which in Rome is still relatively inexpensive as compared to other big cities. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Electronic Cigarettes are Molto Trendy in Italy

5 Apr
Available in four elegant colors, with battery charger

Available in four elegant colors, with battery charger

When trends hit around here, they tend to hit pretty hard. Lately I’ve been seeing electronic cigarettes, “sigarette elettroniche,” OVUNQUE, as in everywhere.

Frankly they look kind of ridiculous. People have them hanging around their necks on lanyards. They look like pens. It’s all rather silly, if you ask me. But I guess I shouldn’t mock them, right? I mean, we should be giving them a big slap on the back and being like “Go you! Woohoo for your health and the health of your loved ones!”

And yet, they still look really silly. Especially the big ol’ macho men, when they start puffing away on their pen-looking things. It’s just weird to me. Like an adult pacifier or something.

La Repubblica reported on March 3 that the e-cig stores are “popping up like mushrooms” all over Italy, with “1500 stores in Italy for a total business of 350 million euro.” There’s a video at that link that I can’t seem to embed here. They go on to say that it’s appealing to many people to open an e-cig store right now, because lots of firm rules don’t yet exist. I don’t know if that would be particularly appealing to me, it sounds kind of like a risky business proposition, not knowing exactly where you might be headed, legal-wise in the future. But then again, we’re talking about a culture where the idea of no rules and no one watching over you, can oftentimes be a quite appealing proposition.

In the video they interview a shop owner, who says it’s appealing because right now you don’t need any particular type of license (a.k.a. less bureaucracy for the moment, a huge boon here in Byzantine-like bureaucracy-laden Italy) and the investment is relatively minimal. He says with around €15,000 to €20,000, you can open a decent shop and make back your initial investment in “a few months.” He’s from up north, you can tell by his accent. In fact the top two locations right now are Torino and Milano. Not sure comparatively what that would look like in Rome, but if my informal observations are any indicator, we’re catching up to the north pretty quickly, neh!

[Interesting aside, on this note: Every single time I hosted an Italian friend back in the States, WITHOUT FAIL, the first thing they'd say when they saw the newspaper distribution boxes on sidewalks, was, "how is it possible that no one takes all the papers?" The first time someone asked me, I was baffled. "Why would anyone want to do that? I only need one." The inevitable response, which I eventually got used to over the years, was, "But, just because you could! No one's monitoring it!" Apparently the honor system isn't big around Italy. So I'd then respond, "Ok, fine. But then what would you DO with all those extra newspapers?" Reply, "Oh, I don't know, really. Sell them? Who knows. It's just... this idea that you could take them all if you wanted." I find that a fascinating cultural commentary. I have no use for 10 newspapers. My mind didn't even go there. And yet, every Roman who ever came to the States always marveled at this idea. Love it.]

Thing is, people who don’t even smoke are getting all into the trend as well, which is slightly amusing and slightly disturbing. In fact the Ministry of Health is starting to regulate, having just blocked the sale of e-cigs to minors, so the minimum age now is 18 (apparently lots of younger teens were getting into the trend). There are all kinds of “myths” about the safety of the e-cig, which one blog in Italian debunks here. For example people will tell you “It’s just aromatic water.” Um, ok, but it’s nicotine-laced, for better or worse. Kind of cracks me up, this idea of recharging your cigarette, and how it blows “fake” smoke. Call me old-fashioned. And the poor Bic lighter people are going to be crushed.

Anyhoo, to each his own. But as all trends tend to do, the jury is still out and people are taking sides. The public business owner’s association of Padova is going one step further, as reported by Corriere del Veneto yesterday, having produced a sign and distributed it to all of its 1,500 business owner members, encouraging them to post the sign in their shops and restaurants. You see, people have no qualms about blowing their electronic “smoke” anywhere they like, indoors or out. Will an indoor ban on e-cigs be next? APPE certainly hopes so!

If you’ll excuse me now, I have to go because my cigarette needs to be plugged in. Then I’ll put the cap on it and hang it around my neck. Molto trendy!

"Electronic Smoke? No Thank You!"

“Electronic Smoke? No Thank You!”

Romans, Go Forth and Vote!

24 Feb

Oh my God. Look at this:

2013-02-21 08.47.42

So here’s me, Little Miss Know-It-All, taking a picture of this sign posted on a shuttered storefront about a week ago, breezily walking by and thinking to my super-know-it-all-little-self “I’m sure I can come up with some snotty comment to poke fun at the store owner who’d post a sign on his business that says “Closed for Flu.” That’s kind of silly, isn’t it? Yes, it is.”

Fast forward to last Thursday night, when the Universe decided to show me just what it means to have to close your business for the flu, as I thrashed about all night battling a high fever and basically feeling like I was on the edge of death, or at least Dante’s vestibule of hell. Yes, folks, I was officially “Chiuso per Influenza” and let me tell you, this year’s flu ain’t no joke. I am just now emerging from my bed after 2 full days.

Can I tell you another reason why I love these handwritten signs? Because they almost always, pretty much inevitably, end up having some smart ass remark scrawled on them, in response to the main message. No exception here. Underneath the “closed for the flu” message, someone who is probably even more know-it-all than I am walked by and wrote “Why didn’t you get vaccinated?”

But, enough about the Raging Flu Monster of 2013. Let’s get on with the voting, shall we?

I don’t really have much to say (that’s particularly useful), except that I wanted to show anyone who comes from my home country (or any other country with less than like 30 different political parties), that voting here looks a *wee* bit complicated.

To answer your question—no, I will not be voting. I still have to finish applying for my citizenship, so there. Not like I’d vote if I had the chance to. Are you kidding me?

I found a paper left on a bunch of windshields by my apartment. It’s a “fac-simile” (I just love how in Italy they write it like that. I don’t know why. FAC-SIMILE. So old-fashioned) of a ballot. Now, this particular one is for Berlusconi’s party so you see that’s the symbol that’s highlighted. But what I really wanted to point out was just how super-duper fun an Italian regional election ballot is! I mean, let’s compare, shall we?

U.S. presidential election ballot:

121105_EXP_Ballot.jpg.CROP.rectangle3-large

Pretty straightforward, no? Black and white, two political parties, check the box, go drink a beer and celebrate. Not much to it.

Italian regional election ballot:

Schedaelettorale

Weeeeee! Kind of makes you want to do a jig, no? I mean, so colorful! All kinds of little round symbols and pictures. A little hand showing where you’re supposed to actually write in the name for the candidate (this I don’t really understand but it’s fun). You get to make X’s on the pictures, and write things, I mean honestly people, voting in an Italian election is, well, it’s like a microcosm of Italy compared to the U.S., is it not?

It’s like the difference between Mr. Arnold Grummer being inducted into the Paper Industry Hall of Fame at the Radisson hotel (97 views, and he makes the questionable decision of revealing during his acceptance speech that he’s recently been diagnosed with lung cancer – hello, killjoy!) vs. Roberto Benigni accepting the Oscar win (it’s all about fun).

God bless Italy. Happy voting. And happy Oscar weekend too!

Thank God There’s Silvio

19 Feb

img1024-700_dettaglio2_big_berlusconi

Oh yes, folks, we’re having a grand old time over here during election week! A big huge grazie goes out to Catherine, divine author of The Divorced Lady’s Companion to Living in Italy for sparking my memory about one of the most mind-boggling and purely comic gold videos I’ve seen over here, a campaign song for beloved Berlusca released back in 2008.

Follow anything about Berlusconi? He’s that guy that used to be president and is running again? Yeah, that one? Ever heard of him?

To try to give you a Cliff’s Notes version, I simply typed in “Silvio Berlusconi’s biggest gaffes” into Google and lo! None other than Time Magazine coming through with the assist here, in the cleverly titled Top 10 Worst Silvio Berlusconi Gaffes. This, you do realize, my dear readers, assumes that there are more than 10, and that these are simply the “worst” that the venerable Time could compile as of press time last December.

So I’m thinking that the only reason this video didn’t make it into the Top 10 is because it’s all in Italian. But don’t despair! I’ll translate it for you. Because that’s what my blog is for. Distributing random Italian goodness and putting it through the meat grinder until it comes out the other side in English. You can thank me later.

Actually, you can thank me by singing along. And I want you to REALLY get into it when the dude in the call center stands up, and the women all swivel around simultaneously in their chairs. Do it.

There’s a big dream, that lives in us, we’re the people of freedom (his party’s name, PdL) President we’re with you…
THANK GOD FOR SILVIO (or “luckily Silvio’s there,” or “Thank goodness there’s Silvio” … you can choose your fave)

We’re the people, who love and believe, who want to transform the dream into reality, President we’re with you…
GOD BLESS THE HEAVENS FOR SILVY (ok I used poetic license there)

We’re the people, that never give up, that stretch out a hand, that give strength, President we’re with you…
OH THANK THE GOOD LORD FOR OUR SILVSTER

Long live Italy, the Italy that’s chosen, to still believe, in this dream, President we’re with you…
MENOMALECHESILVIOC’E’

Say it like this, with that strength, that normally only someone who’s pure-minded has, President we’re with you…
WAIT– WHAT THE F? DID HE JUST SAY PURE-MINDED? Um, I have a *wee* bit of an issue with that. Maybe it’s ironic. STICA… MENOMALECHESILVIOC’E’

Sing it again: (this is where it gets a bit monotonous and repetitive. What’s that? What’s that, you say? Repetition and brain-washing, you say? Don’t mind if I do! One moment, please, while I throw a block quote at you:)

Kathleen Taylor, University of Oxford neuroscientist and author of Brainwashing: The Science of Thought Control, argues that argues that the term brainwashing is useful when used to refer to a more coercive form of persuasion than overt indoctrination and torture. She explains that repetition is an integral part of brainwashing techniques.

Now finish your singing, finish your singing, finish your singing:

Presidente siamo con te
Menomale che Silvio c’è
Presidente siamo con te
Menomale che Silvio c’è
Viva l’Italia
L’Italia che ha scelto
Di credere ancora in questo sogno
Presidente siamo con te
Menomale che Silvio c’è
Viva l’Italia
L’Italia che ha scelto
Di credere ancora in questo sogno
Presidente siamo con te
Menomale che Silvio c’è
Viva l’Italia
L’Italia che ha scelto
Di credere ancora in questo sogno
Presidente siamo con te
Menomale che Silvio c’è
Presidente questo è per te
Menomale che Silvio c’è

And, this just in from The Guardian! Meno male che Silvio’s trial date is postponed due to campaign commitments! Presidente we’re with you!

Berlusconi

Oh, and hey, BTW subtitle people? You must not have read this before you went into post-production, I’m guessing? MENOMALE!