Tregua Santa Tregua

11 Apr

I’m sure you’ve heard “Home Sweet Home,” who hasn’t? Even in Italy you can hear “Casa Dolce Casa,” so it must be a somewhat universal concept (yes, English and Italian for me constitute universal, as in, my universe; if that is xenophobic of me, sorry. I have to put this disclosure because I get really fancy trolls on my blog who want to accuse me of all manner of cultural discrimination. I don’t discriminate, people. I observe and then offer sarcastic smart ass commentary. Two totally different things.)

Anyways, in my world home isn’t always sweet home. That’s why I think I’d rather adopt the phrase “tregua santa tregua.” Tregua, which could be defined as truce but colloquially is commonly used as “break,” as in “dammi tregua” or gimme a break (now you’re not going to have this song stuck in your head, are you? …sorry ’bout that) is one of my favorite words in Italian, ever since I became a mom. I added in the “santa” part, the holy part, because tregua is holy to me, rather than sweet.

Here are some of the ways you might catch me using this word in everyday speech:

“CRISTO SANTO DAMMI TREGUA!” a.k.a. “Holy Christ, Lord of all sentient beings, up on high, I pray you, please, allow me a moment’s respite so that I might not occupy a bed in the psychiatric ward, which could certainly be much better used by someone more deserving than I.”

Or a variation thereof.

Home is not particularly sweet on mornings like this morning, when my kids go so ballistic that I have to take not one, but two “mommy time outs” to breathe, lest I [...] fill in the blank, I’m sure you can, especially if you’re a parent. This morning Paola screamed and thrashed for over a half hour because she wanted to keep sleeping AND wear her pajamas to school, so she was determined to keep taking off her clothes and throwing them on the floor. She’s a nudist, I’ve resigned myself. Olivia screamed and thrashed for over a half hour because she wanted to keep her pajamas on too (WTF, people! We do NOT wear pajamas to school in this house!) and has the resistance of a bodybuilder in rigor mortis when I try to defy her totally-irrational-even-for-a-three-year-old demands. Then there was Vincenzo, who at 5 has already happily adopted the sleep patterns of a teenager, and so when he got out of bed, he simply got out to announce to me and the world “I’m still tired” and then proceeded to go lay in my bed.

Viral? I need a website like this too. Except it would be called “Reasons one, two, and/or three of my aged five and under children are crying.” It has a ring to it, no?

Folks, my life is what is known in technical terms as a “shit show.” If you aren’t familiar with the etymological origins or precise definition of this concept, allow me to refer you to my all-knowing source of slang wisdom, Urban Dictionary, which defines the aforementioned terminology thus:

A description of an event or situation which is characterized by an ridiculously inordinate amount of frenetic activity. Disorganization and chaos to an absurd degree. Often associated with extreme ineptitude/incompetence and or sudden and unexpected failure.

Oh, people. The feeling of “extreme ineptitude and incompetence” I experience in getting my kids dressed and fed before school each morning is neither sudden nor unexpected. It is a ritual which is totally lengthy and just as reliable as a fine piece of Swiss watch craftsmanship.

However! Lest I scare you parentless beings away from the sacred art of child bearing and the subsequent life-long via crucis joy of child rearing, let me instead direct your attention to how four precious hours of kid-free time might profitably be spent:

doing absolutely nothing.

Well, almost nothing. Technically, if you were me last Sunday and you had a babysitter at your disposal for four hours, you’d go to the grocery store, hastily throw some random food items into your basket that equate to what is known around these parts as a “PEEK-neek” and then get thee not to a nunnery, but rather to a beautiful green expanse that gets vastly overlooked in the hurry to get to the more-famous but much more horrendous parking-wise Villa Pamphili, this green expanse being otherwise known as Villa Sciarra.

Villa Sciarra is one of my favorite parks in Rome. It’s green, quiet, lots of trees, fountains, walking paths, places to spread out a picnic (ahem, PEEK-neek, sorry), and not so large that you’re likely to get lost. You’ll encounter people of all ages and configurations: couples, families, singles, teens, tweens, elderly folks, all pretty much enjoying the place. And, I might add, it’s largely dog poop free which is pretty damn rare.

Last Sunday it was a delightful 18 degrees (that’s around 64.4 for you fahrenheit people out there) and let me tell you, this was pretty much my idea of heaven.

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Here, then, were the gastronomical components of my PEEK-neek:

1 – mini bottle of prosecco. Not just any prosecco, however. No, no. This was GIOIOSA prosecco. Otherwise known as the Italian equivalent of two buck Chuck prosecco. But frankly I couldn’t be bothered to buy a whole bottle of semi-decent mid-range prosecco, because, please, let’s drink responsibly here. Plus, Gioiosa? Joyous prosecco? Come on. I’m a sucker for marketing, and when you slap on in little letters “et Amorosa,” now we’re talking not only joyous, but also loving. So, you know, it’s all good.

Too bad my store didn’t have “Rich” prosecco, because, cans? Yes, please, that would be fun. And, is that Paris Hilton? I do believe we are now reaching our cruising altitude in terms of class, my friends.

1 – white plastic made-to-look-like-wicker basket of ricotta. I love me some ricotta.

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1 – decent sized portion of pizza bianca. Pizza bianca is just soft, salty and rosemary-sprinkled bready goodness. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it’s the best thing since sliced bread.

1 – apple. I come from Washington State. Represent.

1 – chocolate bar. Milk chocolate. I know this is sacrilege. I don’t care. Dark chocolate is, as my kids would say, “bleh.”

It–the tregua–it was holy, and it was lovely. Thank you Villa Sciarra. Mwah!

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I told you it was holy.

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IMG_20130407_160155As above, so below.

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Unlisted 3 Conference in Rome Next Thursday

10 Apr
Professional photographer Nicolee Drake and archaeologist Darius Arya, two of the presenters in next week's Unlisted 3 Conference

Professional photographer Nicolee Drake and archaeologist Darius Arya, two of the presenters in next week’s Unlisted 3 Conference

Also known as: meet and mingle with famous people, learn about how The American Institute for Roman Culture is actively working to conserve archeological cultural heritage in Rome, find out how digital technology and social media tools are breaking new ground in helping save important treasures from the past, and, get a lovely little free aperitivo to boot!

What: Unlisted 3 Conference
When: Thursday, April 18, 2013 – 4 pm to 7 pm
Where: Via Vittoria Colonna 11, Rome

Link to Facebook event page – Please share on your Facebook page!

Honestly, people, what more do you need for the perfect Thursday afternoon? Cultural enrichment and education, activism, big names, creative ideas, networking possibilities, no cost, open to the public, and in the spectacular venue of Marconi University’s Sala Vittoria Colonna, which isn’t open to the public but on this date will be for our special event!

Yes, I say “our” because, out of psuedo-journalistic disclosure, I should let you know that I am totally biased in favor of this event, because it’s being organized by the organization I work for. Which, if you know nothing about, you should remedy that problem, like, right now.

Ok, ok, I know you’re dying to know who all those famous people are. Well, I don’t know how you define famous, but in my world, they are:

people who appear on the History Channel to talk about Ancients Behaving Badly (“mess with Hannibal and there will be blood”)

and who take up the fight to save the Tomb of the Gladiator collecting over 5,000 online signatures, and even get featured on CNN for it and even get to chat with GB of The Italian Notebook about it;

and people, professional photographer people, who have over 225,000 followers on Instagram gazing in on their spectacular photos from Rome and beyond;

and people, more professional photographer people, who have over 230,000 followers on Instagram gazing in on their spectacular photos from NYC and beyond;

and people who get a massive fundraiser supported for a documentary about the race to save a 2,600-year-old Buddhist city from imminent destruction by a Chinese copper mine in Afghanistan;

and people who write brilliantly about everything and everyone from political activist/comic Beppe Grillo in TIME Magazine to the famous chef who crafted gourmet hamburgers for McDonald’s Italy in The Atlantic Monthly.

Those kind of people, insomma.

All of them, and others, coming together to discuss the primary objective of AIRC’s 3rd Annual Unlisted Conference for Archaeological Cultural Heritage:

To help “unlisted” ailing monuments and archaeological sites get the attention and funding they need through engaging and interacting with the public at large (and not just the usual academics and insider people) by successfully utilizing modern tools of digital technology and social media.

Here’s your chance to learn the latest about how today’s social media and digital technology (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Kickstarter, digital photography and video) are being powerfully employed in the mission to save and conserve ancient culture for future generations.

Please join us here in Rome next Thursday, April 18, from 4 pm to 7 pm in Sala Vittoria Colonna (Prati) on Via Vittoria Colonna 11. Reservations are not required, and simultaneous English-Italian interpretation will be available.

If you can’t make it to Rome, you can join us in a live webstreaming broadcast from this link.

Share this information with everyone you know! The power of crowdsourcing is what will help make a real and lasting impact in this field. By sharing this information, you become an active part of the mission to save important archaeological cultural heritage. Good for you! Go ahead and give yourself a little pat on the back for that. Thanks.

Link to Facebook event page – Please share on your Facebook page!

Print a flyer, click here!

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Buying a Used Car in Rome

8 Apr
Hmm, do you think that l should be concerned about that liquid seeping out onto the ground?

Hmm, do you think that l should be concerned about that liquid seeping out onto the ground?

Subtitled: The Worst Investment I Ever Made, Quite Possibly in My Entire Life

And not just because it was a used car, although in retrospect I suppose in the short-run I would have paid less if I had bought a new car on an installment plan. But that would have been nearly impossible for me, seeing as how I’m a divorced single mom and my busta paga (pay stub) most likely wouldn’t have ever shown the requisite amount for getting a car loan. Nor would I want a car loan in Italy. I’d be afraid to take on a car loan in the States, why would I risk something like that in the bureaucratic black hole known as Italy?

I’m writing this not to complain, but as a helpful cheat sheet for anyone who might in the future happen to Google “buying a used car in Rome.” Maybe I can help you get a clearer picture of the expenses you’re going to come up against. I wish I had known then what I know now, and thought more about the overall costs of keeping and maintaining a car here in Rome. Had I done a bit more research, I’d like to think I would have decided against buying a car in favor of opting for a taxi when a car ride was essential.

Because, in the end, the only time a car for me in Rome is really essential is when I have to take my kiddos to the doctor (unfortunately, although not far from home, still not within walking distance, especially with a sick kid) or when I go out late at night, not for safety’s sake but more for convenience’s sake, because public transport in Rome is really slow after midnight. Had I calculated potential taxi spending for these occasions, on an annual basis, I’m 99.9% sure I never could have racked up the total amount I spent on keeping a used car in this city.

You may say, “Why not consider Carsharing?” Well, I did, and being that I don’t live conveniently near any of the parking lots (they’re mainly for people who live close to or in the center), it wouldn’t have been worth it over a taxi. I signed up for it but never ended up paying the annual fee.

So, when I got the opportunity to buy a used Opel Corsa from a fellow American expat who was only the second owner, and who wanted to get rid of it quick due to moving back to the States, I jumped at the chance. It cost €1700 and checked out mechanically. It had been garaged for most of its life due to being property left to an ex-wife in a divorce, and the expat lawyer I ended up buying it from had only purchased it to have a car for her husband to drive her to the hospital in for giving birth. (!) So, it was in really good shape despite being 12 years old, and it was a Euro 4 which meant that I could drive it on all except the “eco Sundays” which require Euro 5 or 6. (These ratings refer to European emission standards.)

Before you buy a used car in Rome, consider the following:

1) Transfer costs (Passaggio di proprietà) (Mine = €480 one-time fee)
When I bought this car, the owner and I went through an agency to process the title and registration transfer. This is because, if you attempted to do it on your own at the DMV, I’m quite sure you’d never make it out alive. My transfer cost €424 in taxes and state costs, and €56 in agency fees. Costs vary by car.

2) Insurance (Assicurazione RC Auto) (Mine = €956/year paid in one lump sum)
If you’ve never been an insured driver in Italy, you’re basically totally screwed. They use a rating system and even if you’ve been driving since age 16 everywhere else in the world and an insured driver the whole time, it doesn’t matter, because in Italy they have no record of your good driving history. Therefore you start from scratch, in “Class 14″ (they’re called classe di merito) which is the highest insurance risk and therefore the most expensive. The average quote for annual insurance for my crappy ass car in Classe Quattordici was around €1750 (that’s nearly $2,300 or about $190 per month).
If you’re an expat, you might qualify for Clements Worldwide, which is luckily where I ended up getting my car insurance. It averaged out to about €80 a month but they required the annual payment all at once.

3) Annual vehicle tax (Bollo auto) (Mine = €156.20/year)
This tax is paid annually and calculated based on your car’s emissions rating (Euro I, II, III, etc.). I need to get my car junked now because it’s broken down beyond repair and would cost more than €1,000 to get repaired, only probably to end up breaking down again. Apparently it WAS in great shape when I bought it, but then driving it created a problem. (!!) So in order to junk my car, not only did my mechanic say it would cost roughly €100 for the junkyard service, but, he said, “You’re missing the proof of your vehicle tax being paid.” I’m thinking, great. I had no idea I had to pay this and nothing ever came to my address to tell me. So I go to the ACI (Automobile Club of Italy) and ask for a “visura dei bolli” which basically is them looking up in their computer if vehicle taxes have been paid for my car.

THREE YEARS HAVE GONE UNPAID.

In fact, when the car was sold to me, a whole year was already past due. So that fee from three years ago, I now owe, and it’s up to €191,57 due to the penalties assigned each year that went by, and possibly even 30% more coming up because after three years they send it to a collection agency.

The April 2011-April 2012 payment which I should have only technically owed €40 on since I only owned the car in Feb, Mar and April of 2012, but, hey thanks former owner for slapping me with those charges unbeknownst to me, is now up to €188,73.

And, the April 2012-April 2013 which I have to pay even though I haven’t even driven the car since last October when it broke down, is now €165,40.

If I manage to pay all of these charges by the end of this month in order to get the car junked, thank God I’ll avoid paying an additional €156,20 for this year through April 2014!

Yep, I about had a heart attack. €545,70 out of nowhere. That shit totally sucks. I was saving for my tattoo and a trip to Amsterdam to get it and now, effing back car taxes. Moral of the story: get a visura dei bolli before you buy a used car. All you have to do is go into an ACI and give the license plate number.

4) “Revision” exam (Revisione) (€45 at the DMV or €64,80 at an authorized mechanic/once after first 4 years for a new car, then once every 2 years)

If you’ve ever heard anyone talk about the “bollino blu,” it’s now part of the overall revision process. Basically every two years you have to take your car in for the revisione to have it checked for road safety and pollution output.

And, if you lose your documents, like I did, God forbid. Cost of replacement for the libretto di circolazione and certificato di proprietà (registration and title, respectively) is roughly €100. That’s because my used car had the “old” libretto which isn’t “duplicable” … forget about it.

And, if you accidentally drive on a “green Sunday” like I did (I know, my bad, but it can happen), you stand to get a ticket for about €45 if they stop you.

And, if you accidentally hit a parked car or any other kind of automobilistic mishap, which frankly is most likely going to happen sooner or later if you drive in Rome, whether you’re the best driver in the world or not, consider your insurance costs going up, or, paying out of pocket to the other car’s owner for body work, etc. I had to do that because I am a shitty parker, and it cost me €400 and that was even off the books at my friend’s friend’s body shop. CHE PALLE, BALLS BALLS BALLS.

Now, if that isn’t enough for annual expenses, and even if you never encounter any of the extra annoying expenses I did due to my own negligence, please consider the cost of fuel. I hardly ever drove anywhere, and ended up spending about €50 per month. That got me one full tank per month in an 8-gallon tank. Gas here is around $9 on average per gallon.

Maintenance. In one year I spent €50 for an oil change, €300 for service from a rip-off mechanic who did a bogus repair, and I also spent €100 when I finally took it to the dealership for a “diagnosis” in which they told me the repair costs would be in the thousands and frankly wasn’t even worth it (and I got a second opinion as well from a trusted mechanic friend of my ex-husband’s). So in maintenance I easily spent nearly €500, fuel costs probably ran about another €500 in the approximately 10 months of actual usage I got out of the car itself, add in a €10 car wash every couple of months, because frankly in Rome your car is going to get super dirty after like one day and shamefully dirty after only a month, and you’re easily at nearly €100 a month in fuel, yearly maintenance and repairs, and if you add in all those other expenses? Excuse me while I go retch.

Folks, in one year I spent an ungodly amount for a car that I barely used and that is going to cost me over €600 to junk. Perhaps my experience is unique. However my guess is that it is not.

This is one of those moments when I really wish that I could be happy about Rome’s public transport or live in a city like Amsterdam where everyone rides bikes. But just yesterday in this week’s copy of Internazionale (best magazine ever in Italy, I highly recommend it) the editor commented that in Rome there are 978 vehicles for every 1,000 inhabitants, and this includes newborns and over-85 year olds, and that Rome has 41.5 km of underground rail, compared to London’s 460 km, Paris’s 200 km, and even Milan’s 84 km in a city that’s 7 times smaller than Rome with half the population. I know what you’re thinking, oh but it’s impossible in Rome, too much archaeological stuff underground. St. Petersburg got around their problem by digging deeper. (Ok, so I’m not an archeologist, but come on.) Even Naples has 30 km of underground rail with a city 11 times smaller than Rome and 1 1/2 times fewer inhabitants.

I dunno, folks. If I could go back in time, I would never buy the car. I would spend for a taxi, which in Rome is still relatively inexpensive as compared to other big cities. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

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Family Size Milk in Rome

6 Apr

When you live in a foreign culture, everything becomes relative to your native culture. Take, for example, milk.

Here in Italy, milk is sold in one-liter bottles. And, it only stays good for about 3 days, tops. I suppose this makes it “fresher.” At least that’s what they’ll tell you here, and please don’t ever contradict an Italian on food, especially if you’re from the States. Because if you’re from the States, you are only qualified to talk about obesity and your home gun collection. Anyhoo, apparently the milk here is pasteurized at a lower temperature than US milk, which tends to last at least ten days or longer, and which you can usually even stretch a couple days past the printed expiration date. (This fact, needless to say, horrifies Italians almost as much as Cheez Whiz.)

Here in Italy, you can choose between the 1-liter bottles of milk in the fridge, or the “UHT” milk which is in 1-liter boxes on the shelves and tends to cost a bit less. This is milk pasteurized at a super high temp so that it doesn’t need refrigeration until it’s opened.

Why am I boring you with a discussion of milk in Rome? Because I am reminded of my shopping at Costco when I lived back in the States from 2008 to 2011. (Italiani: Costo sarebbe più o meno l’equivalente della Metro qui a Roma, solo che devi moltiplicare ancora per 3 volte le misure delle confezioni.) There, it was perfectly normal for me to buy not one, but two, plastic jugs of ONE-POINT-FIVE-GALLON size milk. Meaning, it was completely normal for me in the States to buy ELEVEN LITERS of milk in one fell swoop. And anyways, the expiration dates were three WEEKS out, rather than three days.

The other day one of my Italian mamma friends came over with her two sons who are about the same age as my kiddos. She couldn’t believe we eat dinner around 6 pm or so. But the real shocker was that we drink milk with dinner. Her look was half bemusement and half OMG-ness.

There’s a devilish side of me that loves making Italians squirm over the fact that we drink milk with meals. COLD milk, no less. (Italians have a weird thing about drinking cold drinks, especially kids drinking cold drinks. I do not know why this is so, but it is. Actually, that’s a lie—I do know. They say it will give them stomach cramps. You know, cold beverage = total seizing up of the intestinal apparatus, all 28 feet of it. Come to think of it, everything eventually makes its way back to the topic of digestion or lack thereof, here in Italy.) So I really milked this one for all it was worth. (Pun absolutely and most totally intended, hence the italics! Oooh, amusing myself here!)

I began my torture thus:

“Yeah, we drink a lot of milk around here. In fact, we drink milk with all our meals. Come to think of it, I drank milk with dinner all the way through high school and beyond.“

[speechless]

At that point I didn’t have the heart to deal the final, always fatal blow: Americans drink a tall glass of cold milk with pasta. Tell an Italian that and the reaction is akin to the delightfully sadistic feeling you might have experienced while slowly roasting an ant on the sidewalk with a magnifying glass as a kid.

Anyhoo, reminiscing about my 11-liter milk shopping trips, I can only look upon the “family size” milk here in Rome with the same bemused and OMG expression. Because “family size” in Rome is a whopping ONE-POINT-FIVE liters. Wooo! Hold me back, folks! Make way in the fridge for that wide load! I bought two of those the other day and they were gone in as many days. But God, just look how happy the family on the family-size milk is! Red cheeks and all!

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That special offer price of €2,45 is roughly $3.20 for less than a half a gallon of milk, while the US Bureau of Labor Statistics helpfully gives us an average price of a U.S. gallon of milk for each month of every year for the last ten years (!), and for Feb. 2013 we’re at just under $3.50 a gallon.

Now, if only we could get the price of wine in the States to come down to Italian level, we’d have Utopia.

Oh and P.S., if you think I’m the only expat who discusses Italian milk on their blog, well, you’d be wrong. It baffles the best of us.

Oh and P.P.S. another interesting trivial milk fact here. “They say” that the milk sold in the Vatican supermarket is absolutely superior. I had the occasion to taste the Vatican holy milk only once, at breakfast on vacation with some friends, one of whom had the all-hallowed and clearly God-granted privilege of shopping at the mythical Vatican supermarket. And I know I’m about to destroy dreams here, but, it tasted like–well, milk. But the package did have a really cute cow on it.

UPDATE: Ok, silly me, I’m getting old. I did actually post the thing about the Vatican milk. Duh. Here it is. And the picture wasn’t of a cute cow (that must’ve been some other milk I’m thinking of.) Instead, naturally, it’s of the Vatican gardens or something. Best part? It says it’s from Pontifical Villa Farms. YES!

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Electronic Cigarettes are Molto Trendy in Italy

5 Apr
Available in four elegant colors, with battery charger

Available in four elegant colors, with battery charger

When trends hit around here, they tend to hit pretty hard. Lately I’ve been seeing electronic cigarettes, “sigarette elettroniche,” OVUNQUE, as in everywhere.

Frankly they look kind of ridiculous. People have them hanging around their necks on lanyards. They look like pens. It’s all rather silly, if you ask me. But I guess I shouldn’t mock them, right? I mean, we should be giving them a big slap on the back and being like “Go you! Woohoo for your health and the health of your loved ones!”

And yet, they still look really silly. Especially the big ol’ macho men, when they start puffing away on their pen-looking things. It’s just weird to me. Like an adult pacifier or something.

La Repubblica reported on March 3 that the e-cig stores are “popping up like mushrooms” all over Italy, with “1500 stores in Italy for a total business of 350 million euro.” There’s a video at that link that I can’t seem to embed here. They go on to say that it’s appealing to many people to open an e-cig store right now, because lots of firm rules don’t yet exist. I don’t know if that would be particularly appealing to me, it sounds kind of like a risky business proposition, not knowing exactly where you might be headed, legal-wise in the future. But then again, we’re talking about a culture where the idea of no rules and no one watching over you, can oftentimes be a quite appealing proposition.

In the video they interview a shop owner, who says it’s appealing because right now you don’t need any particular type of license (a.k.a. less bureaucracy for the moment, a huge boon here in Byzantine-like bureaucracy-laden Italy) and the investment is relatively minimal. He says with around €15,000 to €20,000, you can open a decent shop and make back your initial investment in “a few months.” He’s from up north, you can tell by his accent. In fact the top two locations right now are Torino and Milano. Not sure comparatively what that would look like in Rome, but if my informal observations are any indicator, we’re catching up to the north pretty quickly, neh!

[Interesting aside, on this note: Every single time I hosted an Italian friend back in the States, WITHOUT FAIL, the first thing they'd say when they saw the newspaper distribution boxes on sidewalks, was, "how is it possible that no one takes all the papers?" The first time someone asked me, I was baffled. "Why would anyone want to do that? I only need one." The inevitable response, which I eventually got used to over the years, was, "But, just because you could! No one's monitoring it!" Apparently the honor system isn't big around Italy. So I'd then respond, "Ok, fine. But then what would you DO with all those extra newspapers?" Reply, "Oh, I don't know, really. Sell them? Who knows. It's just... this idea that you could take them all if you wanted." I find that a fascinating cultural commentary. I have no use for 10 newspapers. My mind didn't even go there. And yet, every Roman who ever came to the States always marveled at this idea. Love it.]

Thing is, people who don’t even smoke are getting all into the trend as well, which is slightly amusing and slightly disturbing. In fact the Ministry of Health is starting to regulate, having just blocked the sale of e-cigs to minors, so the minimum age now is 18 (apparently lots of younger teens were getting into the trend). There are all kinds of “myths” about the safety of the e-cig, which one blog in Italian debunks here. For example people will tell you “It’s just aromatic water.” Um, ok, but it’s nicotine-laced, for better or worse. Kind of cracks me up, this idea of recharging your cigarette, and how it blows “fake” smoke. Call me old-fashioned. And the poor Bic lighter people are going to be crushed.

Anyhoo, to each his own. But as all trends tend to do, the jury is still out and people are taking sides. The public business owner’s association of Padova is going one step further, as reported by Corriere del Veneto yesterday, having produced a sign and distributed it to all of its 1,500 business owner members, encouraging them to post the sign in their shops and restaurants. You see, people have no qualms about blowing their electronic “smoke” anywhere they like, indoors or out. Will an indoor ban on e-cigs be next? APPE certainly hopes so!

If you’ll excuse me now, I have to go because my cigarette needs to be plugged in. Then I’ll put the cap on it and hang it around my neck. Molto trendy!

"Electronic Smoke? No Thank You!"

“Electronic Smoke? No Thank You!”

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Buona Pasqua from Rome

29 Mar

2013-03-29 08.49.17

That’s Happy Easter to you!

Are you up on all of your Italian Easter traditions?

No?

Well then, come up close because I’ve got some stuff to tell you about.

First, can we talk about this cheesy bread that comes out at Easter time? Because, seriously, I am loving it. And not in the “I’m lovin’ it” McDonald’s kind of way. In the OHMYGODWHOSTHEGENIUSTHATINVENTEDCHEESYBREADFOREASTER kind of way.

And if you managed to insert all the spaces appropriately in that big ol’ megaword up there, then I think you need to spend a lil’ less time on Twitter. (note to self)

Also known as pizza di Pasqua al formaggio or even crescia al formaggio, but frankly I just like to call it cheesy bread. And man oh man, it’s just yummy.

Or what about what I OH’d in the five & dime the other day? Old lady comes in and says “Avete un tegame per la pastiera?” LA PASTIERA?

Don’t mind if I do! This here video is fun mainly because of the elevator music the genius managing the audio on this production decided to go with. But my LAUGH OUT LOUD moment came at :49 when the subtitle says “aggiungere il burro” — add the butter. And it goes on. And on. And on. FOR SIX ENTIRE SECONDS. Holy shit people, that thar’s a whole fuck load of butter, if you’ll pardon my French.

Anyhoo, yepper dee doo, the pastiera is another Easter tradition round these parts.

And what of the colomba? The “dove” cake? The colomba is basically your Christmas panettone disguised and cleverly repackaged as a peaceful symbol of Christ’s resurrection. This ensures that the panettone factories can make their money year-round based on the eternal cake cycle of Christ dying, rising, and, since he hasn’t yet “come again” as prophesied, they’re left to churn out yet more panettone the year after for his death and rising once again. Or something.

Personally I don’t find it very dove-resembling, but maybe that’s just me?

EGGS, though. Holy shmoley if the chocolate eggs around here aren’t something to write home about. Check out this MONSTER EGG in the pastry shop in front of my bus stop. It has a huge-ass Christopher Columbus-like ship on it. I have no idea why, or what, the ship is supposed to represent in terms of Easter joy and peace, but, there you go.

2013-03-29 08.49.09

I also have no idea why I find it amusing that it’s positioned in front of the emergency exit. But I do. And, can I tell you how excited I am that I learned a new word here? “Riffa” — that means raffle, people. Cool, right? Not to be confused with the ever-popular Urban Dictionary definition:

The hood on which tons of gangstas get their grind on

Yeah—no. That’s not what we’re talking about in this case, just so that we’re clear.

Eggs, eggs, eggs everywhere. Eggs on the TV commercials between cartoons. Hello Kitty eggs. Ben 10 eggs. (hold on, I feel a Forrest Gump moment coming on here, that whole lemon shramp, pepper shramp thing) Lazio eggs, Roma eggs, Cars eggs, big sparkly paper eggs, little dark chocolate eggs, eggs with surprises… you get the idea.

Did you know that you can even do cool things like order custom eggs from the pastry shop and put your own surprises in them? Like an engagement ring? (or maybe serving divorce papers, now that would be a cool twist, would it not?? I’m only cynical because a single girlfriend of mine just sent me THIS friggin’ link so I’m kind of choking on my sense of self-pity right now while drowning in a sea of envy, sorry about that!)

[Note to reader: Shelley is an almost-36 year old divorcee raising three preschool-aged children, two of whom are twins just for the fun of it all, in a city positively filled with hot men in uniforms. Just so you know where the whole angst things arises from.]

Holy crap that was a digression. Anyhoo, Happy Easter to all! And don’t forget “Little Easter” Monday a.k.a. “Pasquetta.” You know what they say: “Natale con i tuoi, Pasqua con chi vuoi!” That basically translates to “On Christmas you’re forced to be with your family so thank God on Easter you get to celebrate with whoever you want.” Which means that you go into the country and have a dandy ol’ picnic lunch with all your friends.

On Monday I’ll be spending quality time with my kiddos who will be hyped up on a chocolate-egg-fueled sugar high, along with our two cats, two sea turtles, a partridge, a pear tree, and my laundry, just in case you were wondering!

Love and kisses from Rome!

Uncensored Grocery Shopping

27 Mar

Humor me here for a moment, will you?

I know you will.

That’s why I love you so.

How American am I? Today I stop off at the grocery store after work to buy sliced turkey breast to make sandwiches to take to work for lunch, and I happily realize that this particular grocery store has SKIPPY peanut butter for the totally not low, low price of $5 US in a teensy-weensy 320 gram (i.e. 11 oz.) jar.

Oh, how I miss my Costco sizes: 64 ounces of peanuty goodness–that’s nearly TWO KILOS for you Euro folks of SUPER CHUNK fun!

But…as usual I digress.

Thank you Conad (which really is quite an unfortunate name, IMHO, if you think about how much it sounds like gonad, right?) for putting the radio station on your store speakers, because, guess what, folks? By some freak of nature, Mickelmack Macklemore has made it big over here in Italy with his FABULOUS HIT SINGLE “Thrift Shop.” No, seriously people, this nonsense is sheer genius. Watch the video and I dare you to disagree with me.

And why yes, yes I am from Seattle, thank you VERY much for asking! We are a rare breed, are we not?

ONE HUNDRED NINETY FOUR AND A HALF MILLION VIEWS CAN’T BE WRONG – P.S. “NSFW”

But, honest to God, 1:26 and the deer sweater? Yes, friends, this is the Goodwill I know and love, and faithfully patronized for the times when I only had twenty dollas in my pockeeeeht.

And the bestest, I mean super bestest ever part of this, is that while the sweet guy slicing my turkey breast is asking me “Qualcos’altro, cara?” I’m rocking out to the lyrics “THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME” without any weird blips or silences to block out the F bomb.

So, grocery shopping to the funky tune of uncensored Macklemore in Rome because their four letter words are actually five letter words (cazzo for one, since you asked), so they don’t censor our four letter words?

Good times, my friends…good times indeed.

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