Tag Archives: Rome

Would You Like to Have Them Like This?

16 May

Ok, folks. Here we go. I don’t know what’s going to be more graphic about this post. The fact that I actually have to type the word “pantiliner” (cringe) or the fact that I have to subject you to a pair of boobies that are inflated to bursting capacity with the excruciatingly awful headline: “Would you like to have them like this? I’ll pay for them!”

Lord, have mercy on my soul.

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This is NOT what I wanted to see as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes this morning and opened this brand new box of feminine end-of-monthly-cycle (also known in Italy mysteriously as “my things” – le mie cose) protection product.

Now, this brings to mind how I could probably write an entire post questioning the etymology of why menstruation in Italian is referred to as “my things” and how it’s possible that a woman can simply say Mi sono arrivate as in, “They’ve come to me” and that is like some weird code phrase that really means “I have my period.” However, I will leave that for another titillating future adventure. Because, no. Today I really want to ask my faithful public how it is possible that Velluto Salvaslip (Velvet? Really? Who was the marketing genius that green-lighted that brand name, BTW?) is running a sweepstakes in which the lucky winner will receive €6,000 for their “new look” a.k.a. as listed in the ad “breasts – butt – nose – lips – tummy”

HOLY EFFING SHIT, people. I mean, pardon my French, but are you effing kidding me? Wow. I didn’t know that we had reached this level of terrifying superficiality around here. No, seriously. The blood is running cold in my veins.

“Just send in 3 barcodes to participate in the drawing.*”

*see complete rules at www. sweetwipes. com

OHMYGOD. What’s worse? The fact that I have to read through rules about a plastic surgery sweepstakes? Or the gag factor inherent in the fact that there’s a website out there called SWEET WIPES DOT COM?

Oh Mary mother of God, pray for our sins.

I’ll try to type in sweetwipes.com without breaking into a fit of uncontrollable creepy laughter. Ok…I’m going in. Cover me.

NOOOOOO!

No.

No, no, a million times NO! Why didja have to go and show a half nekkid buxom woman with yellow dotted lines drawn on her plastically modified body?

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“Would you like to have a body like this? I’ll pay for it!”

Oh, look! On the website they helpfully add that you could also have your hips or eyes “remodeled.”

In the fine print it says if you don’t opt for the plastic surgery you could use the €6,000 in “beauty treatments.” Whatever that might mean. Frankly I don’t have the patience or the inclination to read through the entire downloadable PDF file of contest rules and regulations.

Let me just leave you with this, incidentally, that I found while browsing vintage ads today, which happens to be one of my many Internet time-wasters hobbies. (I graduated with a degree in advertising. Yes, they issue those.) Lest we forget that the stick-thin body wasn’t always the ideal of beauty, check out this post that reveals how vintage ads encouraged weight gain and curvy figures.

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But: sweet wipes.

Seriously, folks. You think you’ve seen it all, and then you get a website called sweetwipes.com.

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Roman-style Security System

16 May

Walking by an apartment building around the corner from my house this morning, I see this sign generated in Word, printed out and taped to the front entry gate:

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Note – Don’t close. Door broken.

Are you so loving this?

Why didn’t they just write: “Dear Criminals: Our building’s front door is broken, and for unknown reasons we aren’t getting it fixed, at least not anytime soon, so instead we’ve printed out this sign instructing all residents to kindly leave the door open for you. You’re welcome.”

Oh, sigh. Rome, you’re so silly sometimes.

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Tram 8 Depot Moves to Piazza Venezia

9 May

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You do realize that someone actually got hired and paid to design a logo for this, do you not? The mind boggles.

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Subtitled: The shitshow formerly known as Largo Argentina/Via Florida/Via della Botteghe Oscure

I swear to God, the passage is so limited crossing Via delle Botteghe Oscure now, that there was this American middle-aged couple last week that caused a major scene. Husband, overweight and majorly grumpy, starts yelling at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS (because clearly the entire area is cordoned off by metal fencing and frankly it’s confusing even for us locals to figure out how to cross the damn street now… they’ve even placed traffic cops with whistles there to help people figure it out) “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE FUC£$(£) DOING HERE! I’M TRYING MY BEST! YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING!” Poor wife. So embarrassed. All the locals nearby start staring. (Who’s the jackass yelling at his wife?!) The traffic cop lady starts blowing on her whistle like our lives depended on it. A local points to the couple. The lady traffic cop goes “SO?!!? Move it! He can scream as much as he wants!”

Oh, Rome, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

So, Largo Argentina is my stomping grounds. (I really just wanted an excuse to say stomping grounds. That’s fun.) I’ve always worked around this piazza and am happy to say so, because clearly I love this square. The gelato. The coffee. The coffee again. And again. The pizza. The theater. The dude named Amadeo who draws chalk murals on the sidewalk, and even merited a Part 2, for God’s sake! Let’s face it folks: I can’t get enough of this place.

By now, unless you’ve been living under a rock, or Roma Nord, you’ve probably noticed that all hell has broken loose around Largo Argentina, due to the expansion of the 8 tram to Piazza Venezia.

Yes, you read me right: ATAC, or rather should I say Mayor Alemanno and his crew, a.k.a. la giunta, decided to extend the 8 line basically THREE BLOCKS. Isn’t that how far 450 meters is? I can’t find any explanation as to why, except that apparently the original plan was to get the 8 tram to head up Via Nazionale and on over to Termini, which is where the 40 Express bus takes people. See, now, that would have been nice. So, I’m a bit confused about the whole thing, but then again, what isn’t confusing around here when it comes to city politics? (Note: mayoral elections coming up at end of month! Brace yourselves! What’s that, you say? Already accusations of corrupted vote-buying? Oh, stop it now! Not here!)

Instead, we get the depot moved a few blocks over to Piazza Venezia, where mystical fortune tellers the city says that it will provide a connection to the much-ballyhooed Metro C.

Shall we go there?

You see, my friends, the Metro C is like a desert mirage. You believe it’s real, you see the signs that say behind there, work is taking place, archaeological investigations, whatnot. But no matter how far along you go, it never really appears. 2020, here we come! It’s only eight years away. Miracles can still happen.

Although I will give kudos to Metro B1. That is so Roman. Three extra stops, took SEVEN years. Seven. I’m not shitting you. (Pssst, come close! Did you know that there’s even a Metro D that’s been planned? Stop laughing! It’s not funny! Ok, they abandoned that folly last year. But still…)

Anyhoo, what does this exciting construction project that’s been going on for nearly a year now, bring us good citizens of Rome? Well, lots of noise, for starters. And a whole hell of a lot of traffic congestion. And confused bus riders who can’t tell from which day to the next where their bus stop is going to be moved to.

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But, look! Lookie here! I see three benches, too!

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Ok, fine, so they’re fenced off. What of it? The point is that they made the effort. And one day, those benches are going to serve an important purpose, I feel certain of that.

I dunno, folks. They talk about this exciting new “pedestrian area” in front of the theater, and I’m like, and? What are we going to do with a cement paved area in front of a whole lot of nothing? With no shade, no benches, and no worthwhile shops or services to speak of? I mean, they just paved over the old tracks where the 8 used to turn around to go back the other direction. BOH.

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It’s fun to complain, though. Complaining, bitching and moaning, free expression of totally unsolicited opinions: it’s all good sport around here. Love it!

So I just thought I’d throw in my two cents.

If traffic is an issue, why don’t we just use more of the city’s Bikesharing program?

Hey! Now that’s an idea! Now we’ve got our thinking caps on!

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Oops, never mind.

But, who cares, really? We’re in Rome! Let them eat gelato! I was so confused by the construction fences they’d set up the other day around my office, that I had to go back the other way as one end of my street was completely closed off. After this crazy detour, I found myself, oops, coincidence of coincidences, near enough to Gelateria Corona to just “pop in.” Holy CRAP. People! They have honey with chili pepper (HELLO!) and licorice with raspberry. Get on over there!

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More Words and Phrases They Never Taught You in Italian Class

21 Apr

italianlearning

Not that you’ll ever need them. But, here is some random nonsense for you. Just because I love you *this much* …

1. So the other day I was thinking about the totally useless words you might hear once every couple years. Like spleen. Consider yourself fluent once you know the world “spleen” in Italian, right? Here you go: milza. Say it with me: “MEAL-zah.” Ahhh, now doesn’t that feel good?

I thought it meant gallbladder, to be perfectly honest with you. But no. That’s cistifellea. Which I can assure you, in twelve years in Italy, I have never needed. Not a once. Although, I have also heard it referred to as colecisti. This is my life.

2. Or what about con i controcazzi? Have you ever heard this phrase? Try looking it up in Google translate, I dare you. They won’t give you anything, not even a literal translation. That is what I’m here for. Because this is useless trivia that you need to devote some brain cells to. You could say to someone “Tu sei uno proprio con i controcazzi.” Literally we’d be saying “Wow, you’re really someone with the against-cocks.” I know, right? Makes no sense. But, you see, “cocks” as a colloquial expression has a great significance and contribution to make in the Italian lexicon. We need cazzi like we need to breathe. Just trust me on this one. (Yes my vulgar double entendre humor is entirely intentional. I’m not as ingenua as you thought, now am I?)

Wait. Then again. Don’t take my word on it. Just ask Antonella Clerici, who expressed this concept best on live television.

But frankly, if we really want a native speaker definition, let’s consult Yahoo Answers, oh wise source of all knowledge. Domanda (question): “Cosa sono i controcazzi?” (What are the counter-cocks?)

I controcazzi sono il di più, quello che ingigantisce la definizione di c..azzi. esempio vai a comprare un automobile nuova, il venditore ti descrive gli accessori base come c..azzi e gli optional come controcazzi. Quindi ti sei appena comprato una bella Automobile con i C..azzi e i Controcazzi. Ciao

The counter-cocks are something more, something that enlarges the definition of cazzi. For example, go to buy a new car, the dealer describes the base accessories to you as the cocks, and the optionals are the counter-cocks. Therefore, you’ve just bought yourself a nice car with both the cocks and the counter-cocks. Ciao.

Um, thanks, I think?

Personally, I prefer PaulfromItaly’s definition here. “Cool ass” As in, “he’s a cool ass player.” Yes, I think Paul has captured well the spirit of the counter cocks.

3. Or what about here in Rome, they say this thing when they want you to calm down, they say: Stai manzo! And then, laughingly, if you’re a native English speaker, they sometimes tell you, “Be beef!”

Yes, this is not normal. I agree. But in any case, be beef means the rough equivalent of “chill.”

No! OHMYGOD even Urban Dictionary has caught on to stai manzo. I am truly awed and at the same time humbled by my vast knowledge of international phraseology.

4. Or… hmmm. How about when they tell you Stai in campana! which is literally “Be in bell!” Or they say Devi stare proprio in campana “You really need to be in bell.” It’s like “be careful, watch out, be on your guard.”

5. Then there’s di coccio, as in “Lui è proprio di coccio.” Coccio is like terracotta pottery. Usually this phrase is accompanied by someone knocking on their head, or on the table, to indicate how hard it is. So it means they’re hard-headed or stubborn or even stupid. Not made out of crockery.

6. There’s also the always popular Me sto a tajà (Roman), which is like English “I’m cutting up” in idiomatic terminology, see definition number 5 here.

There you go folks: six for the road.

Now, go forth and talk about your spleen, and the spleens of others. xoxo

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Tregua Santa Tregua

11 Apr

I’m sure you’ve heard “Home Sweet Home,” who hasn’t? Even in Italy you can hear “Casa Dolce Casa,” so it must be a somewhat universal concept (yes, English and Italian for me constitute universal, as in, my universe; if that is xenophobic of me, sorry. I have to put this disclosure because I get really fancy trolls on my blog who want to accuse me of all manner of cultural discrimination. I don’t discriminate, people. I observe and then offer sarcastic smart ass commentary. Two totally different things.)

Anyways, in my world home isn’t always sweet home. That’s why I think I’d rather adopt the phrase “tregua santa tregua.” Tregua, which could be defined as truce but colloquially is commonly used as “break,” as in “dammi tregua” or gimme a break (now you’re not going to have this song stuck in your head, are you? …sorry ’bout that) is one of my favorite words in Italian, ever since I became a mom. I added in the “santa” part, the holy part, because tregua is holy to me, rather than sweet.

Here are some of the ways you might catch me using this word in everyday speech:

“CRISTO SANTO DAMMI TREGUA!” a.k.a. “Holy Christ, Lord of all sentient beings, up on high, I pray you, please, allow me a moment’s respite so that I might not occupy a bed in the psychiatric ward, which could certainly be much better used by someone more deserving than I.”

Or a variation thereof.

Home is not particularly sweet on mornings like this morning, when my kids go so ballistic that I have to take not one, but two “mommy time outs” to breathe, lest I [...] fill in the blank, I’m sure you can, especially if you’re a parent. This morning Paola screamed and thrashed for over a half hour because she wanted to keep sleeping AND wear her pajamas to school, so she was determined to keep taking off her clothes and throwing them on the floor. She’s a nudist, I’ve resigned myself. Olivia screamed and thrashed for over a half hour because she wanted to keep her pajamas on too (WTF, people! We do NOT wear pajamas to school in this house!) and has the resistance of a bodybuilder in rigor mortis when I try to defy her totally-irrational-even-for-a-three-year-old demands. Then there was Vincenzo, who at 5 has already happily adopted the sleep patterns of a teenager, and so when he got out of bed, he simply got out to announce to me and the world “I’m still tired” and then proceeded to go lay in my bed.

Viral? I need a website like this too. Except it would be called “Reasons one, two, and/or three of my aged five and under children are crying.” It has a ring to it, no?

Folks, my life is what is known in technical terms as a “shit show.” If you aren’t familiar with the etymological origins or precise definition of this concept, allow me to refer you to my all-knowing source of slang wisdom, Urban Dictionary, which defines the aforementioned terminology thus:

A description of an event or situation which is characterized by an ridiculously inordinate amount of frenetic activity. Disorganization and chaos to an absurd degree. Often associated with extreme ineptitude/incompetence and or sudden and unexpected failure.

Oh, people. The feeling of “extreme ineptitude and incompetence” I experience in getting my kids dressed and fed before school each morning is neither sudden nor unexpected. It is a ritual which is totally lengthy and just as reliable as a fine piece of Swiss watch craftsmanship.

However! Lest I scare you parentless beings away from the sacred art of child bearing and the subsequent life-long via crucis joy of child rearing, let me instead direct your attention to how four precious hours of kid-free time might profitably be spent:

doing absolutely nothing.

Well, almost nothing. Technically, if you were me last Sunday and you had a babysitter at your disposal for four hours, you’d go to the grocery store, hastily throw some random food items into your basket that equate to what is known around these parts as a “PEEK-neek” and then get thee not to a nunnery, but rather to a beautiful green expanse that gets vastly overlooked in the hurry to get to the more-famous but much more horrendous parking-wise Villa Pamphili, this green expanse being otherwise known as Villa Sciarra.

Villa Sciarra is one of my favorite parks in Rome. It’s green, quiet, lots of trees, fountains, walking paths, places to spread out a picnic (ahem, PEEK-neek, sorry), and not so large that you’re likely to get lost. You’ll encounter people of all ages and configurations: couples, families, singles, teens, tweens, elderly folks, all pretty much enjoying the place. And, I might add, it’s largely dog poop free which is pretty damn rare.

Last Sunday it was a delightful 18 degrees (that’s around 64.4 for you fahrenheit people out there) and let me tell you, this was pretty much my idea of heaven.

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Here, then, were the gastronomical components of my PEEK-neek:

1 – mini bottle of prosecco. Not just any prosecco, however. No, no. This was GIOIOSA prosecco. Otherwise known as the Italian equivalent of two buck Chuck prosecco. But frankly I couldn’t be bothered to buy a whole bottle of semi-decent mid-range prosecco, because, please, let’s drink responsibly here. Plus, Gioiosa? Joyous prosecco? Come on. I’m a sucker for marketing, and when you slap on in little letters “et Amorosa,” now we’re talking not only joyous, but also loving. So, you know, it’s all good.

Too bad my store didn’t have “Rich” prosecco, because, cans? Yes, please, that would be fun. And, is that Paris Hilton? I do believe we are now reaching our cruising altitude in terms of class, my friends.

1 – white plastic made-to-look-like-wicker basket of ricotta. I love me some ricotta.

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1 – decent sized portion of pizza bianca. Pizza bianca is just soft, salty and rosemary-sprinkled bready goodness. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it’s the best thing since sliced bread.

1 – apple. I come from Washington State. Represent.

1 – chocolate bar. Milk chocolate. I know this is sacrilege. I don’t care. Dark chocolate is, as my kids would say, “bleh.”

It–the tregua–it was holy, and it was lovely. Thank you Villa Sciarra. Mwah!

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I told you it was holy.

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IMG_20130407_160155As above, so below.

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Unlisted 3 Conference in Rome Next Thursday

10 Apr
Professional photographer Nicolee Drake and archaeologist Darius Arya, two of the presenters in next week's Unlisted 3 Conference

Professional photographer Nicolee Drake and archaeologist Darius Arya, two of the presenters in next week’s Unlisted 3 Conference

Also known as: meet and mingle with famous people, learn about how The American Institute for Roman Culture is actively working to conserve archeological cultural heritage in Rome, find out how digital technology and social media tools are breaking new ground in helping save important treasures from the past, and, get a lovely little free aperitivo to boot!

What: Unlisted 3 Conference
When: Thursday, April 18, 2013 – 4 pm to 7 pm
Where: Via Vittoria Colonna 11, Rome

Link to Facebook event page – Please share on your Facebook page!

Honestly, people, what more do you need for the perfect Thursday afternoon? Cultural enrichment and education, activism, big names, creative ideas, networking possibilities, no cost, open to the public, and in the spectacular venue of Marconi University’s Sala Vittoria Colonna, which isn’t open to the public but on this date will be for our special event!

Yes, I say “our” because, out of psuedo-journalistic disclosure, I should let you know that I am totally biased in favor of this event, because it’s being organized by the organization I work for. Which, if you know nothing about, you should remedy that problem, like, right now.

Ok, ok, I know you’re dying to know who all those famous people are. Well, I don’t know how you define famous, but in my world, they are:

people who appear on the History Channel to talk about Ancients Behaving Badly (“mess with Hannibal and there will be blood”)

and who take up the fight to save the Tomb of the Gladiator collecting over 5,000 online signatures, and even get featured on CNN for it and even get to chat with GB of The Italian Notebook about it;

and people, professional photographer people, who have over 225,000 followers on Instagram gazing in on their spectacular photos from Rome and beyond;

and people, more professional photographer people, who have over 230,000 followers on Instagram gazing in on their spectacular photos from NYC and beyond;

and people who get a massive fundraiser supported for a documentary about the race to save a 2,600-year-old Buddhist city from imminent destruction by a Chinese copper mine in Afghanistan;

and people who write brilliantly about everything and everyone from political activist/comic Beppe Grillo in TIME Magazine to the famous chef who crafted gourmet hamburgers for McDonald’s Italy in The Atlantic Monthly.

Those kind of people, insomma.

All of them, and others, coming together to discuss the primary objective of AIRC’s 3rd Annual Unlisted Conference for Archaeological Cultural Heritage:

To help “unlisted” ailing monuments and archaeological sites get the attention and funding they need through engaging and interacting with the public at large (and not just the usual academics and insider people) by successfully utilizing modern tools of digital technology and social media.

Here’s your chance to learn the latest about how today’s social media and digital technology (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Kickstarter, digital photography and video) are being powerfully employed in the mission to save and conserve ancient culture for future generations.

Please join us here in Rome next Thursday, April 18, from 4 pm to 7 pm in Sala Vittoria Colonna (Prati) on Via Vittoria Colonna 11. Reservations are not required, and simultaneous English-Italian interpretation will be available.

If you can’t make it to Rome, you can join us in a live webstreaming broadcast from this link.

Share this information with everyone you know! The power of crowdsourcing is what will help make a real and lasting impact in this field. By sharing this information, you become an active part of the mission to save important archaeological cultural heritage. Good for you! Go ahead and give yourself a little pat on the back for that. Thanks.

Link to Facebook event page – Please share on your Facebook page!

Print a flyer, click here!

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Electronic Cigarettes are Molto Trendy in Italy

5 Apr
Available in four elegant colors, with battery charger

Available in four elegant colors, with battery charger

When trends hit around here, they tend to hit pretty hard. Lately I’ve been seeing electronic cigarettes, “sigarette elettroniche,” OVUNQUE, as in everywhere.

Frankly they look kind of ridiculous. People have them hanging around their necks on lanyards. They look like pens. It’s all rather silly, if you ask me. But I guess I shouldn’t mock them, right? I mean, we should be giving them a big slap on the back and being like “Go you! Woohoo for your health and the health of your loved ones!”

And yet, they still look really silly. Especially the big ol’ macho men, when they start puffing away on their pen-looking things. It’s just weird to me. Like an adult pacifier or something.

La Repubblica reported on March 3 that the e-cig stores are “popping up like mushrooms” all over Italy, with “1500 stores in Italy for a total business of 350 million euro.” There’s a video at that link that I can’t seem to embed here. They go on to say that it’s appealing to many people to open an e-cig store right now, because lots of firm rules don’t yet exist. I don’t know if that would be particularly appealing to me, it sounds kind of like a risky business proposition, not knowing exactly where you might be headed, legal-wise in the future. But then again, we’re talking about a culture where the idea of no rules and no one watching over you, can oftentimes be a quite appealing proposition.

In the video they interview a shop owner, who says it’s appealing because right now you don’t need any particular type of license (a.k.a. less bureaucracy for the moment, a huge boon here in Byzantine-like bureaucracy-laden Italy) and the investment is relatively minimal. He says with around €15,000 to €20,000, you can open a decent shop and make back your initial investment in “a few months.” He’s from up north, you can tell by his accent. In fact the top two locations right now are Torino and Milano. Not sure comparatively what that would look like in Rome, but if my informal observations are any indicator, we’re catching up to the north pretty quickly, neh!

[Interesting aside, on this note: Every single time I hosted an Italian friend back in the States, WITHOUT FAIL, the first thing they'd say when they saw the newspaper distribution boxes on sidewalks, was, "how is it possible that no one takes all the papers?" The first time someone asked me, I was baffled. "Why would anyone want to do that? I only need one." The inevitable response, which I eventually got used to over the years, was, "But, just because you could! No one's monitoring it!" Apparently the honor system isn't big around Italy. So I'd then respond, "Ok, fine. But then what would you DO with all those extra newspapers?" Reply, "Oh, I don't know, really. Sell them? Who knows. It's just... this idea that you could take them all if you wanted." I find that a fascinating cultural commentary. I have no use for 10 newspapers. My mind didn't even go there. And yet, every Roman who ever came to the States always marveled at this idea. Love it.]

Thing is, people who don’t even smoke are getting all into the trend as well, which is slightly amusing and slightly disturbing. In fact the Ministry of Health is starting to regulate, having just blocked the sale of e-cigs to minors, so the minimum age now is 18 (apparently lots of younger teens were getting into the trend). There are all kinds of “myths” about the safety of the e-cig, which one blog in Italian debunks here. For example people will tell you “It’s just aromatic water.” Um, ok, but it’s nicotine-laced, for better or worse. Kind of cracks me up, this idea of recharging your cigarette, and how it blows “fake” smoke. Call me old-fashioned. And the poor Bic lighter people are going to be crushed.

Anyhoo, to each his own. But as all trends tend to do, the jury is still out and people are taking sides. The public business owner’s association of Padova is going one step further, as reported by Corriere del Veneto yesterday, having produced a sign and distributed it to all of its 1,500 business owner members, encouraging them to post the sign in their shops and restaurants. You see, people have no qualms about blowing their electronic “smoke” anywhere they like, indoors or out. Will an indoor ban on e-cigs be next? APPE certainly hopes so!

If you’ll excuse me now, I have to go because my cigarette needs to be plugged in. Then I’ll put the cap on it and hang it around my neck. Molto trendy!

"Electronic Smoke? No Thank You!"

“Electronic Smoke? No Thank You!”

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