Sex in Ancient Rome

20 Jul

God, what a cheap ploy for readership. Me, I mean. With that title. Oldest trick in the book.

Certainly not a cheap ploy for readership of the August edition of a dignified periodical known as “Focus: History” (tagline “Discover the past, understand the present”) displayed at my newsstand this morning:


Shelley’s completely imagined transcript of brainstorming meeting of Focus Storia editorial staff for August issue:

Giuseppe: “Mamma mia, it’s hot. Let’s just get this over with. No one reads our magazine in August anyways. They read fluff like this.”

Maria: “Seee vabbè, ma, we have to sell our magazine regardless. And we’ve basically run out of civilizations to analyze. Frankly I’m at a loss.”

Mario: “Ammazza! Hey guys! I’ve been doing a bit of research here and ran across some really killer ads. I think we should follow their lead. Come have a look! It appears that there’s this saying, sex sells. Ever heard of it?”

Giuseppe: “I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Civilizations. Sex. Why don’t we write a cover story called “The Civilizations of Sex.” And we could write sex all big on the page, like this: SESSO.”

Mario: “Oh those crazy Americans! Always ahead of their time!”

“And look! They don’t split open, even when you cook them.”

Mickey “Did I just say that out loud!?”

Um, I think you meant to say “more leg room.”


9 Responses to “Sex in Ancient Rome”

  1. triciatierney July 20, 2013 at 5:43 pm #

    WHERE do you find these gems??? Hysterical!
    Sometimes, out of nowhere, I will get a flurry – there have been more than a hundred – hits on my blog – search term: “Naked Tierney Suicide”. Turns out there’s a young woman named Tierney who is part of a strangely named site called the “The Suicide Girls” — women who get naked to reveal their tats and piercings. Alas, these readers who took a wrong turn rarely linger long on my page! Ha!

  2. Gil July 20, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

    Loved it! Like Tricia said, above, where do you find these????

  3. Andrea Troiani July 22, 2013 at 10:07 am #

    Well, you’re talking about Focus… someone else did it before:

    (I’m sorry for your international friends, maybe we could translate them)

    (sex in ancient Rome… how many memories!)

  4. Un'americana a Roma July 23, 2013 at 10:01 am #

    Yeah I get weird stuff like that too. One time I wrote an article about this “kitchen robot” called the Bimby that my friends had bought, and how it made pineapple sorbet, and I seriously think that draws 99.9% of my readership. They must be so disappointed when they land here.

  5. Un'americana a Roma July 23, 2013 at 10:02 am #

    Well, I certainly can’t say that it’s because I have too much free time on my hands. But, I think it mainly has to do with an astute Google searching ability, and a mind that makes very weird connections. That’s my gift in life, I suppose. Ha!

  6. Un'americana a Roma July 23, 2013 at 10:03 am #

    God I love Maurizio Battista. He’d already covered my whole theory about “sticazzi” too. Guy’s an effing genius. I need to get to one of his live shows.

  7. Mario Vernari August 4, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

    Really couldn’t miss to drop a comment here, because these ads are simply amazing!
    Nice to know you Shelley! If you need anything about my city (Venezia), just tell me!
    PS: just linked this post on FB…

  8. Un'americana a Roma August 5, 2013 at 8:19 am #

    Piacere Mario! I know, aren’t they something else? And we all thought Berlusconi was such a porco… come on now… 1950s Mad Men weren’t too shabby either 🙂


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