I Wish I Had Thought of That, Rome Coffee Style

15 Aug

You know how people say that dumb quote, “I wish I had thought of that!” I mean, dumb because it’s just sort of banal. Like, der. Of course you wish. Because if you had thought of Post-it notes you wouldn’t be standing here saying you wish you had thought of it. I dunno. It’s sort of a “who’s on first” type of thing for me. I mean, how long can you really take it? It’s like verbal Chinese water torture.

Here’s the thing. One day I’m going to be in a store, and I just know I’m going to see this thing that I have in my mind, and I won’t be able to say “I wish I had thought of that,” because you see, I ALREADY HAVE. I’ve thought of it not once, not twice, not even three times a lady. (MUUUHAHAHAHA betcha can’t get that one out of your head now, for like, ever. You can thank me later.)

Oh really? You think you can escape the sheer euphoria and rapture that this ballad can produce? Especially when accompanied by silver spangles and a show hosted by a man named Burt Sugarman? Oh no you don’t! Get back here, you! Click the little triangle, go on. You know you want to.

Sorry. I do that sometimes. It’s all in good fun. Lionel Richie has absolutely nothing to do with coffee. But I do loveaaaohawove you. I do, I do!

Ok, I’m just going to lay it all on the line here, folks. I need a Bialetti Moka Alarm.

Raise your hand if you get this. I know Sara does, because she and I have talked about it before if I’m not mistaken. We’ve had entire conversations about it. I’m pretty sure back in 2006 she even had a blog post on it.

For those of you who don’t know what I am alluding to, I’ll throw you a bone. The Bialetti Moka, as you may or may not know, is our traditional stovetop coffee maker here in Italy. If you’re like me, you may have thought it was just for decoration, but no. They actually use it. Like, all the time. It’s truly a staple of the Italian household.

Now. I adore my morning Moka as much as the next gal. But my life is a shit show. That means, I don’t have time to watch paint dry on my walls nor watch coffee slowly rise and percolate to the upper chamber of my Moka (wow that sounds strangely erotic. Let’s not follow that any further. I am still boyfriendless.)

The Moka is relatively silent when it finishes. It just makes a sort of low sputtering noise. But if you stray too far from the general vicinity of the Moka, trust me: you’re not going to hear the spittle to alert you that your coffee is ready.

Please see Exhibit 1:

Kindly ignore the corkscrew on the left. I don’t drink wine until at least 10 am.

Anyone who has ever spent any reasonable amount of time with a Moka knows that this is going to happen sooner or later. The overflow. The God-awful spitting and sputtering coffee all over your stovetop overflow. GAH!

I hate the overflow. I really do. It makes my coffee burnt, for one (like how I slyly shrug off any responsibility there?), it makes a holy mess, for two, and, it’s just plain frickin’ annoying.

That’s why I need the Bialetti Moka Alarm. You attach it to the top of the thing, and it whistles like a tea kettle when the coffee is ready. This is what I need.

I mean, people, let’s be honest here. They (a.k.a. “the powers that be”) invented an anti-splutter valve, right? And yet, yet! Think about the sheer USELESSNESS of said device. There’s a frickin’ TOP on the Moka. I don’t know about y’all, but as far as I’m concerned, the top pretty much protects me from any wanton splutters.

Exhibit Two, Useless Coffee Devices:

The only redeeming factor in this waste of aluminum is that it is called either “paraschizzi” or “paraspruzzi” and those are just super fun words to say.


Therein lies the proverbial rub.

Hence, the alarm.

Discuss. Plan. Create. I will be your first customer.


9 Responses to “I Wish I Had Thought of That, Rome Coffee Style”

  1. triciatierney August 15, 2013 at 11:33 am #

    I am a complete sucker for useless devices. Currently packed up on my kitchen table for return is the latest one: a food dehydrator. Rubberizes all your fruits and vegetables after hours of fanning heat on your counter. I don’t know what possessed me. Sucker. I’d purchase that gadget in no time flat. And also the whistle, so quick, get on it!

  2. Coffilean August 15, 2013 at 1:14 pm #

    Stayed at the ESH hotel in Rome for three nights from 17th July 2013. It exceeded our expectations! Booked through Avios & didn’t expect it to be great as used Avios for hotels before & always been given poor rooms. This hotel is immaculately tidy in all places, fresh, modern, very comfortable & the staff are very friendly & speak lovely…

  3. Dani August 15, 2013 at 2:01 pm #

    Very funny Shel! And spot the hell on. Buuuut, spoken like a true americana that is used to a certain level of comfort. I hate a love/annoyed relationship w mine for the same reason. I’ve never heard an italian complain about the mess though. or is that because they are waiting for it and watching it while they smoke a cigarette πŸ™‚ Ti amo, l’italia

  4. steffan ziegler August 15, 2013 at 5:40 pm #

    A whistle would need to go in the bottom, where the water is heating. There is a pressure relief valve there, I’m wondering if some genius has modified the valve to include a whistle? That genius, if he/she exists, is probably on coffee geek’s coffeemaker forums. I searched but no result.

    But that only means that we haven’t yet flushed them out. A post asking the question would probably produce all kinds of helpful lunacy, and possibly, an outside chance of getting what you need!

    In the meantime, if the gasket between the upper and lower chambers of the Moka isn’t seated properly, (or is just old) the Moka will whistle as a result, probably at the point which steam is produced, which is probably a bit early in the process, (also, improperly sealing the Moka means that it well… won’t makea Moka (sorry, couldn’t resist.))

  5. ciaochowlinda August 15, 2013 at 6:31 pm #

    Oh yes, this same thing has happened to me numerous times. I never realized what that little spruzzo aluminum thing was for. Now I know. I love your sense of humor about it all. Let us know when someone comes up with an alarm. I could use it too.

  6. carol August 15, 2013 at 11:09 pm #

    I love the paraschizzi/paraspruzzi….ne ho due. πŸ™‚

  7. Sara Rosso August 22, 2013 at 8:50 am #

    Oh yes…I definitely remember us talking about this. I think we’ve only ruined one so far… πŸ™‚

  8. jakerichey279 September 11, 2013 at 8:04 am #

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  9. libby January 20, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

    I don’t know if you already considered to buy an Alicia Delonghi Moka:

    You prepare your moka in the evening, set your alarm clock and you’ll find your coffee in the morning. The taste is the same of a standard moka, and If you oversleep, the moka keepps your coffee warm for half an hour.
    It simply saves your mornings.

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